So, what is in your brew?
Contrary to popular belief, all beer is not created equal. Some beer is strong, others weak. Some beer is pure, adhering strictly to traditional formulas, while others experiment with new-fangled technologies and recipes. Much like humans, all (read: most) beers are unique and beautiful, and also like humans, those differences are ripe for stereotype jokes. So here’s Stoke’s definitive guide to the beer you’re drinking and what it says about you.
Bud Light/Coors Light/Natural Light etc.
Usually found in cans, red cups, and the fridge in your uncle’s garage, these beers are widely popular in North America. The only thing lower than their price is the alcohol content, allowing them to fill a niche not unlike that of training wheels in the cycling world.
Ingredients: Water, barley malt, adolescent cockiness, yeast, the urine of a man with renal failure, rice, hops, sawdust.
What it says about you: “My parents are gone for the weekend and I asked Chad’s older brother to pick up a 30-rack of whatever was cheapest”
Mexican imports (Dos Equis, Tecate, Corona, Modelo etc.)
Found mainly in family restaurants with pictures on the menu. Cheap imports are the natural progression from cheap domestics, and serve to draw the line between people who like beer but lack taste buds, and xenophobic people who like beer but lack taste buds. Can be consumed with a lime.
Ingredients: Water, malt, yeast, earthy notes like Irish moss or gypsum, and a little bit of beach sand you can’t ever get rid of.
What it says about you: “I ordered this because I thought it would pair better with my nachos”
Wheat beers and Hefeweizens (Blue Moon, Shock Top, Hoegaarden)
Wheat beers, often called “white” beers due to their light, cloudy appearance, are top-fermented beers which often use large amounts of unmalted wheat in production. With a sweeter, often fruity flavor profile, white beers are the favorite of people who want to appear to like beer while actually preferring almost anything else.
Ingredients: Water, yeast, unmalted wheat, corn syrup, the acceptance of your peers
What it says about you: “You’re sure you don’t have any cider?”
Craft IPA
The Scotch of the beer world, an IPA is the brew of choice for people who own books about beer. IPAs use considerably more hops than malt in their production, giving them roughly the flavor profile of a crusty gym sock. They have a greater alcohol content than most other beers, and are often served in smaller glasses to make it easier to look down on other what other people are drinking.
Ingredients: Water, yeast, hops, caramel/crystal malt, an air of superiority, that family of skunks who moved into the fermentation chamber and are now protected by ASPCA
What it says about you: “I’m going to write a comment pointing out the inaccuracies in this article”
German Pilsner
The one true brew. German beer has been governed since 1516 by Reinheitsgebot, which is both a series of laws regulating the purity of beer, and the all-time winner of the Germanest Thing Ever award. For hundreds of years, beer was made exclusively from water, barley, and hops. Eventually yeast and malted grains were added to the list of acceptable ingredients, but even with these new additions, German beers are remarkably pure and free of hangover-causing fillers. Surprisingly strong and served by the liter at Oktoberfest, these kingly brews separate the wheat from the chaff both literally and figuratively.
Ingredients: Water, barley, hops, and possibly yeast (seriously, that’s it).
What it says about you: “I am a person of discerning taste and undiscerning love of parties. I am both worldly and open-minded. I am a Stokie”
At Stoke, we believe someday the whole world will unite and live in harmony as lovers of German suds. We’ll be at Oktoberfest this September and October spreading the gospel, will you join us?
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