The expectations of an Ibiza virgin based on their Instagram scrolling.
JOSEPHINE RYAN MURPHY
Ibiza is famous for a lot of things, mostly the sex and partying. As a keen-to-be-Ibiza-partier I’ve spent a lot of time on Instagram scrolling through anything Ibiza related. In that time I feel like I’ve developed a pretty good idea of what Ibiza is, or at least what I hope it will be based on this Instabiza knowledge.
The Second You Step Onto Ibiza’s Sand You Become Unbelievable At Yoga
In pools, on rocks, on SUP boards, they even do that one with two people. Everyone can do yoga, it’s fucking weird. I doubt it’s just a coincidence that everyone who goes to Ibiza is really into yoga and so the only reasonable explanation is that there’s something in the water, or the sand, or the ecstasy. Whatever it is, I’ve always wanted to be able to do a handstand, so I’m into it.
Just Being In Ibiza Makes You More Attractive
Scroll through Instagram and try to find even one unattractive person. You won’t. Ugly people must go there right? Just because you’re not Insta beautiful doesn’t mean you don’t like getting really terribly drunk on boats or being in the sun or being surrounded by beautiful people, trust me. It must just happen when you get there, right? Not only have I always wanted to be able to do a handstand but I’ve also always wanted to be ridiculously attractive, like the kind of attractive where you can accidentally spit on someone when you’re talking and it’s totally ok and not gross and embarrassing. Take me to Ibiza now.
Best Parties Ever
The majority of Ibiza Instagram photos are of its famous parties. That’s probably the main reason most people go. There’s somehow always these uber famous DJs and everyone’s pretty much naked on boats dancing around them and you can have sex with attractive people whenever you want to and to top it off, their foam parties actually look fun. I normally hate foam parties, I get squashed in a sea of sweaty boys who are all taller than me and every opening on my face gets filled with foam and I panic and think i’m going to drown, but the ones in Ibiza actually look fun, no one in the photos is panicking.
No One Ever Ages Past Their Prime Partying Years
If Instagram is an accurate representation of Ibiza then there is not a single child, middle aged or old person on that entire island. It’s like the land of Tír na nÓg except when you leave, not only do you catch up on all the years you didn’t age, but also on all the hangovers and come downs you didn’t have. So ideally, you should probably never leave, which I think I’m ok with.
Your Makeup Always Looks Immaculate
Potentially the most mind blowing of them all. I can’t walk under the sun for more than 10 minutes without every bit of makeup melting off my face, turning me into some terrifying smudgy face monster. How on earth do all these people look good ALL THE TIME even after swimming. It just doesn’t make sense.
You Can Somehow Get Super Fucked Up While also Simultaneously Getting All Fit And Zenned
Everyone’s enjoying the best parties in the world getting drunk and high and having sex all the time but they’re also all doing yoga and meditating and all that. How both of these things are happening, I will not understand until I experience it for myself, but I think endless partying while also improving your physical and mental health is probably the greatest example of having your cake and eating it too that i’ve ever seen and I very much look forward to it.
You Spend The Majority Of Your Day Jumping, Carefree, Into Bodies Of Water
So not only is everyone getting super fucked up while simultaneously doing yoga and meditating but jumping off various different structures into bodies of water seems to be the most popular thing to do in Ibiza. And despite being very drunk, they can still all do backflips and nobody ever seems to drown or hurt themselves at all. I’m not a massive fan of heights, but with the guarantee that the aura of Ibiza will give me the skill to backflip of cliffs and remain unharmed, I think I could get behind it.
All The Problems Of The Outside World Dissolve
Basically Ibiza is a utopia of all the best things in life – except maybe drinking hot chocolate by the fire while it rains outside. All of the problems and repercussions of the normal world just slip away. Instagram has taught me that there is in fact a heaven on earth and it is Ibiza.
I’d imagine you all probably want to go as badly as I do now right? Then do. Go. Book your spot. Let’s all get fucked up and do yoga together.