Mes: enero 2018

A crisis meeting has been held at the Rhode Island family home of Brian Wheeler, 22, after the outgoing young traveller recently quoted a hit song as the caption for an Instagram post of him partying.

Wheeler had been on Ibiza for a week staying with infamous party outfit, Stoke Travel. While his previous posts had depicted a more wholesome island experience – riding scooters and swimming in turquoise waters – the latest, of the young man grinning maniacally at the camera with eyes like dinner plates, has left his concerned family ill at ease.

The contentious quote is also the title of the song, I Took A Pill In Ibiza, by Mike Posner. It was initially recorded as a sarcastic, anti-drug folk tune, before being remixed by EDM bros SeeB and quickly became an anthem for what it once ridiculed. After the remix was released in 2016, it reached the number one spot in many countries, and has been rumoured to be used as a terrible code for young travellers to talk about their drug taking intentions without explicitly saying so.

“Well at first I was furious,” said Wheelers father, 46-year-old business executive Brian Senior, “but then Bri’s younger sister told us to, ‘Chill out’, her words, because apparently it’s just a song lyric. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with quoting songs, but this one just seems too literal, you know? He is actually in Ibiza, and look at his face! He looks like he just sniffed some piss, and I know from the early ‘90s that that’s a symptom of rolling on molly.”

Neighbour, and local sheriff’s deputy Peter Collins, weighs in. “Look, we’d normally give a good kid like Bri the benefit of the doubt – swim team, good college, has his whole life ahead of him, but that song was popular in 2016! I mean, what sort of a dork would still be quoting it now if he wasn’t literally stuffing his face full of whatever disco biscuits he can get his hand on? As far as i’m concerned it’s a clear-cut case of Bri getting fucked up on some class-A MDMA caps and bragging to the world about it – and now he’s been caught out.”

Stoke Travel Ibiza camp manager, Hamish (last name withheld) seemed to support deputy Collins’ hypothesis. “Haha, yeah, that song fucken sucks. But Bri, Bri’s a fucken legend, you should have seen him last night! He was cooked! I mean, the Ibiza sun is harsh, but Bri was completely fried if you know what I mean…”

When pressed on whether Stoke Travel condones the consumption of ecstacy tablets, Hamish was unequivocal. “Oh no, no way. We believe that the repetitive music can be enjoyed completely sober, and that it’s entirely feasible for travellers to party until 7am, on four hours sleep, for a week straight. Hmm? No, that wasn’t a wink, last night’s waters seem to have given me a mild stroke.”

The younger Wheeler was more circumspect in his account of what had transpired the night before. “I fucking love that song! I took a pill in Ibiza! Doo doo doo, wooooo! Man so good. You know, I’ve always wanted to be a journalist. What’s your name? You have a really nice face. I think I kind of love you, man. Ohhhhh I feel so gooood! This is the best! You wanna get high like me! Wait, let me sing it so I don’t get in trouble again. You don’t wanna be HIGH LIKE ME! Fuck, bro, I think you do.”

Stoke Travel will be in Ibiza for Spring Break, over Easter, and then all summer long from June until September. We definitely do not condone listening to that song, but of course you’re an adult and are capable of making your own decisions, regardless of how bad for your wellbeing they may be.

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There’s nothing finer in this travelling life than being somewhere on the biggest day of their year. Accidentally stumbling across a little Spanish town on the day their having their main fiesta, or finding yourself lost in the UK when the local football team wins whatever championship. Days where you’ll find everybody partying, from the grandmas all the way down to the small boys, and in Europe they’ll probably all be drinking booze, too.

Stumbling across a village’s biggest day is one thing, but here at Stoke Travel we’re in the business of putting you into the biggest parties, across Europe, and this hot list right here is of whole countries’ biggest days, when every village, town, suburb – and person from young to old within them – lets down their hair and celebrates whatever it is they’re supposed to celebrate.

So let’s get down with some of Europe’s biggest days.

Kings Day, The Netherlands

This is the king’s birthday, celebrated on April 27th, a day when the whole of Holland gets together in the streets, dresses in their finest orange, and rages across canals and extreme-spinach “coffee” shops. King’s Day actually starts the evening before, goes all day, and then into the next night, and in Amsterdam the street party features plenty of music – live bands and DJs – just what you’d expect from maybe the number-one party place, or at least most wonderfully sinful city, in Western Europe.

Bastille Day, France

Commemorated on every 14th July, Bastille Day is the day when the French people stormed the Bastille prison, releasing a whole seven prisoners, and instigating the French revolution. These days it’s celebrated with fireworks across the country, concerts, plenty of flag waving, and the locals getting off (with) their heads. To be honest though, here at Stoke Travel we prefer Les Fetes de Bayonne, held down in the southwest of the country, where the surf is better, and featuring millions of wine-crazed frogs dressed in white and making out with each other.

San Juan, Spain

Celebrated on the longest day of the year, June 23rd, San Juan is a pagan festival that has different manifestations around the country, always involving some kind of huge bonfire. In Menorca they party with horses, and in Barcelona the party involves beach bonfires and a huge fireworks demonstration – performed by just about every person in town! In the lead up to San Juan fireworks stores pop up all over Barcelona, selling their loud, obnoxious, supremely fun wares to almost everybody and anybody, the result being a constant cacophony of bangs, pops, whizzes and other various explosions.

Saint Patrick’s Day, Ireland

This is the pissup that’s drank around the world, a green-clad shindig that sees the Irish, people with a splash of Irish descent and simple lovers of the craic get together and celebrate everything Emerald Isle, from red hair and fighting, to Guinness and leprechauns. But of course the biggest and best St Paddy’s party is in Dublin, where we like to go for delicious whiskies, potato stew, weeping sensitive poets and more Irish stereotypes than you can point a shamrock at.

What’s your country’s biggest day? And should we hit it up? You should most certainly hit these ones up with us (do them all with the Stoke Travel Passport).

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Perpetually undecided young traveller, Charlotte Branson, 23, has given travel buddies a sigh of relief with the discovery that she can actually go everywhere with the Stoke Travel Passport.

Branson had previously given her peers the shits with her inability to commit to one trip at a time, instead flip flopping, changing her mind, and sometimes going on completely outrageous tangents.

“We’d be sitting around drinking cider planning, say, a trip to the Running of the Bulls, and Charlotte would start pulling up cheap flights to Munich, like out of nowhere!”, explained a friend who told reporters she was at her wit’s end. “Last year she didn’t go on one trip, because she wanted to go on all the trips, and we couldn’t lock her down on a plan. And then she had the audacity to comment on our IG posts things like, Looks like so much fun, thanks for the invite girls, LOL, like, are you for real? We literally spoke about this six times in person and I even emailed you the itinerary and booking instructions.”

But with her discovery of the Stoke Travel Passport, Branson has realised that perhaps in 2018/19 she’ll be able to do every trip she wants to do, and even some she hasn’t even discovered yet.

“Oh my god, so I went to the website and they had everything I wanted to do this year – bulls, Oktoberfest, the tomato fight and surfing in Spain, plus I’ve always wanted to go to Ibiza for Spring Break and the Wine Fight, that sounds sick, but there’s also that trip to Kings Day…”, she told already confused reporters, before rattling off another 10 or so destinations.

Stoke Travel’s señorita de satisfaction, Emily Harrison, told reporters that the Passport was designed for travellers like Charlotte, as well as anyone who liked to keep their options open, while getting a fucking good deal. “Yeah, we know about her. She used to ring up to enquire about, say, the Barcelona City Break, and two hours and 15 different trips later she still hadn’t locked down a destination. So we offered her the Passport, which will give her two years to do three trips, with over 20 to choose from, and she doesn’t have to confirm which trips she’ll be doing immediately, she can just tell us a week in advance and she’s booked in.

“Plus, if she does book further in advance than that, to fit in with pre-existing travel plans, or take advantage of cheap flights, she can change her mind and opt out of the trip up to a week in advance as well. We didn’t create the Passport with Charlotte in mind, but bloody hell it looks perfect for her. Now she can be as indecisive as she likes, and flip flop almost whenever she wants, and not lose her booking fee, or miss out on a spot on the trip.”

At the time of publication, Branson was reported to be looking into purchasing a second, and even third, Stoke Travel Passport, due to the fact that she was keen on doing at least 19 of the 20+ trips. Her long-suffering friends meanwhile were busy making their travel plans, happy in the knowledge that they didn’t have to include Branson, and she could just jump on at the last minute.

“Look, in this world some of us like to be prepared, and some of us don’t, but if we all have the Passport then we can book travel our way and nobody has to miss out.”, the unnamed friend mused, “And we can just tune out when Charlotte performs one of her monumental subject changes. We were talking about going to Sziget, for frig’s sake, how did she start going on about camel rides in Morocco? Un-fucking-believable!”

The Stoke Travel Passport is good for three trips over two years (time starts with first trip), which is 12 nights all-inclusive travel, with the option to add on unlimited beer and sangria for €10 a day. Get your Stoke Travel Passport for only €550, fuck plans, follow your heart and travel Europe your way.  

 

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A local copywriter has been given the unenvious task of making Easter sound cool, without offending former, current and future guests who may follow one of the monotheistic religions.

“Oh it’s a fucken minefield!”, proclaimed Gavin Jarvis, 28. “I don’t want to make light of the holiday itself, but I want to get people excited about Easter, and not because some bloke supposedly died a couple of thousand years ago!”

That “bloke” is none other than Jesus Christ, son of God and our saviour, who unverified reports say died for our sins over the Easter weekend, sometime around the year zero.

Jarvis, an aspiring novelist who is writing marketing copy to “pay the bills” has picked up some work with Stoke Travel, a Spain-based tour operator that’s proud of never taking itself too seriously, as well as speaking to young people in language they understand – edgy, empty and preferably in meme form.

“Well, what we’re looking for is something that will get travellers pumped up for a drunken and debaucherous Easter break, get them really psyched on coming with us to Ibiza for Spring Break, or using the time off to hit up our surf camp in Morocco,” explains Holly Randall, Stoke Travel’s vice president of marketing, “so we want to use language that informs travellers that they’ll be partying, they’re going to have a really good time, and will probably make out with one or multiple people. Now of course we have to be careful at all times to not to upset any of our audience, because our internal surveying shows that deeply offended people are three times less likely to book a trip with us than somebody who thinks we’re pretty funny. Should be a pretty easy job for a copywriter of Craig’s calibre.”

But Jarvis isn’t so sure. “Alright, what do you guys think about this: Join Stoke Travel this Easter for Spring Break in Ibiza, where we’ll be getting nailed on cheap shots, crucified on the dancefloor, and if we’re lucky whipped back in the hotel room afterwards. Will that offend some people? Probably. Fuck, shit, christ. How about, Jesus turned water into wine, but now it’s your turn to convert wine into good times! This spring, in Ibiza. His mother may have been a virgin, but by the end of Spring Break you might not be… Oh man, not only is that offensive, but it’s kind of creepy too.

“The Morocco trip isn’t so difficult to write for, just come up with something about surfing being walking on water and it kind of writes itself. But Spring Break Ibiza? Not only is it the most debauched event of the academic year, it’s on an island that’s literally famed for its eurotrash orgies. How can you write about a combination of those two things without upsetting people who are offended by lesbians?”

Jesus was contacted for comment, and while he wasn’t aware of Stoke Travel’s marketing materials in particular, did say that, “With all the shit going on in the world, some bozos trying to have a good time is hardly something to get mad about. Hell, I’d even say they’re doing my work.”

At the time of print Jarvis was playing around with the Easter egg theme, trying to relate the once-a-year treats to ecstasy pills, without much success. We don’t condone the use of drugs, but if a naughty club bunny gives you some “eggstacy” who are we to judge. His efforts continue. 

If you’re not offended easily and want to have a real good Easter and an even better Spring Break, then join us in Ibiza for trips from the 23rd-26th of March, and from the 30th March to the 2nd of April. We’ll be having an unholy good time in Morocco throughout the Easter break, too.

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Hoy hablamos de Ryan Burch, una de las personas más influyentes del surfing clásico actual. Un fijo ya de los Duct Tape, competición donde se juntan los mejores tableros del mundo, previa invitación de Joel Tudor y su equipo. En la última edición, en México, de la mano del Mexicano Log Fest de nuestro amigo […]
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It’s different when you’re overseas, it’s more about catching up with friends than celebrating genocide

A weak-willed Australian man has been caught smashing back tins with his mates, despite being one of social media’s most prominent anti-Australia Day advocates.

Peter Tompkins, 24, has been vocal about Australia’s shameful habit of celebrating the day that Aboriginal culture ceased to exist in the lead up to the controversial January 26th milestone.

Amongst other things, he’s been a liberal user of the #CHANGETHEDATE hashtag, as well as calling the day “Invasion Day”, admitting that he’s the recipient of privilege wrought from his ancestor’s mistreatment of Australia’s original inhabitants and even called his Uncle Keith a “dog” for posting in the Tompkins Family Shitposting group about the day’s barbeque preparations.

He even changed his Facebook profile picture to an image of himself wearing and aboriginal flag t-shirt, giving a shout out to all the blackfullas (sic) I’ve been lucky enough to know over the years, apparently referencing the Hawkins boys he used to play football with.

Nevertheless, Tompkins was seen with a large group of friends on Friday, indulging in more than his fair share of beverages and seemingly enjoying the day.

“Yeah nah it’s different when you live overseas,” explained a visibly shitfaced Tompkins, “this is just about getting together with the boys, talking shit, you know? It’s not often that all of us Aussie boys get together.

“I mean, it’s also a great time to have conversations about our colonial history. It’s not every day this kind of thing is on everyone’s minds,” he continued, before responding to a chant from the other side of the room with a resounding Oi, oi, oi!

When one of Tompkins more aggressive mates started ranting about Aboriginal Australians being “Whingers”, who should “forget about the past and just move on! It was 200 and something years ago, and I didn’t bloody steal their land,” our champion of indigenous rights used the opportunity to say that “Everybody’s entitled to their opinion”, and “I don’t want today to be about politics,” completely missing the opportunity to point out the irony in his friend making that claim while bullishly insisting on celebrating a day that happened exactly 230 years ago.

“I just want everyone to have a good time!” declared Tompkins, before launching into a boisterous rendition of Land Down Under, part of a playlist put together by Triple M radio station, who Tompkins had previously labelled as “Weak as fuck” and proudly boasted that he “Stopped listening to their racist garbage years ago.” When we raised this further hypocrisy with the red-faced man, Tompkins simply fixed a dumb drunk stare on us, before bellowing out, “HE JUST SMILED AND GAVE ME A VEGEMITE SANDWICH! Fuck I miss Vegemite.”

Want to get together with Aussies ore often? Check out Stoked in the Park London, for beer drinking and smashing the Kiwis at sport, or any of our trips over the summer, especially the running of the bulls, where Australians seem to be over represented. Maybe post something about animal cruelty before turning up. 

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We’re looking at sunburn or misery, that’s all there is about it

Stoke Travel has announced that they will again be holding their London Stoked in the Park and Big Day Out events outside. In what is seen as a massive gamble, the organisers have admitted that they’re really looking at a lose-lose situation.

“Given that the previous two London Big Day Outs were held under sunny skies, the law of averages and a rudimentary knowledge of English weather says that this year it will be overcast at best”, offers Liv, one of the few Stoke Travel employees lucky enough to based out of London and not Barcelona, “which is good news for us. Last year we got a little sun and the first aid tent was inundated with winter pasty Aussies and Kiwis suffering from their first good sunburn of the season, while the Brits who showed up were pretty much see through. They looked like those Vietnamese spring rolls until the weak spring sun started to sizzle them.”

The event attracts thousands of Australians and New Zealanders every year, with its sporting competitions, parties and cultural activities, some venturing out of the gaff for the first time since September.

“We know that a lot of the antipodean community here in London treat the months from September until May as a bit of a hibernation, leaving the flat to go to the off license, or to work if they have to. Even those who have to work outside don’t really see sun because it’s usually overcast, or the sun’s so low in the sky it doesn’t move above the building. Bottom line is, the anglos are all coming into the summer fucking bright white and are prime candidates to turn bright red at the first hint of sunshine. I don’t know how they’re going to go in the rugby, probably be a bit sensitive to the touch.”

This year Stoke Travel are adding Stoked in the Park to their Big Day Out meaning there will be equal parts a social mixer for the Australian and Kiwi community in London, as well as a chance to see once and for all who the dominant sporting, and drinking, nation is. The Big Day Out will feature rugby, league, touch, netball and dodgeball tournaments, while Stoked in the Park will be where the bar, food, bands and DJs are found, as well as Dad’s Backyard, a place to feel like you’re back at home with daggy tunes, goonbags pegged to the hills hoist, and the old bugger himself burning snags on the BBQ.

“Knowing our luck it’ll be sunny again, so we’re just letting everybody know to take the sun seriously. Bring sunscreen, and one of those hats with the flaps that goes down your neck, heck, Aussies bust out those Akubra hats with the corks that you guys sometimes wear unironically. We are well aware that there is plenty of ozone layer up here, unlike at home, but if you’ve been in London over winter chances are your moontan won’t support too bright lights, let alone the real sun.”

When approached with the prospect of spending a day in the May sun, London’s Aboriginal, Maori and Islander communities had much less to complain about, suggesting that the day would be “deadly”, “mean” and “shot uce”, which we are taking to mean they are looking forward to it.

Stoked in the Park London and London Big Day Out will be held in West London on the 19th of May, for sports fans and party animals alike. Come and join us for a day under the sun, but make sure you bring some aloe vera gel for relief afterwards.

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¿Que ocurre cuando juntas tres pedazo de surfistas Paul Nunn, Tom Payne and Johnny Gill del equipo  en unas olas de ensueño? Pues sale un corto espectacular como este, surf fino, bonito y muyyy clásico, en bañador, sin invento, sin violencia, pura fluidez y glide. Última oportunidad de conseguir tu calendario HANGTEN, solo para apasionados del […]
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Springfest, known locally as frülingsfest, is Germany’s other beer festival. Every year, from mid April to the beginning of May, tens of thousands beer lovers make their way to Munich’s partying fields, because they can’t make the October celebrations, or because two beer festivals a year isn’t nearly enough, or just to say auf wiedersehen to the too-long winter. Once there they spend the next little while, whether it’s one day or the whole three weeks, drinking their weight in German beer and otherwise enjoying the festivities that one would expect from a German beer party. We could give you 10, but you need to focus on getting beer/party fit, so here are three reasons why you’ll love Munich’s Springfest.

1. It’s basically the same as Oktoberfest, but more authentic

So it’s got all the elements we adore about Oktoberfest — it’s in Munich, it’s basically a Disneyland for adults, the beer is delicious and comes served by the litre, the beer tents are huge parties seating thousands of beer lovers at a time, the food they serve make for just the perfect drinking fare, Bavarian beer costumes, the dirndls and lederhosen, just make everybody look the cutest, the oompah bands play the best beer drinking songs and supply the perfect soundtrack for your daggy drunken dancing, and outside the beer tents there are carnival rides that rival most theme parks. All of these things you’ll find at Oktoberfest and Springfest, but the big difference is that Springfest doesn’t attract as many foreign visitors, just the Munich locals and international beer die hards. The result is a party of tens of thousands, not millions, which means less waiting time for your beers and a lower probability of bumping into drunk dads from Wisconsin.

     2. German beer is the best beer

Now this is a fact that is backed up by legislation. You see, back in 1516 Duke Wilhelm IV decreed that only hops, barley and water were allowed to be in beer, later adding yeast to the list. Four ingredients! No preservatives or artificial additives, no weird infusions, no colours, no added sugar or any of that other crap that makes your hangover worse, just hops, barley, water and yeast. Simple! And the beer that comes out is not only delicious and clean, but also strong, like up near 6% strong, and, as we mentioned, it comes by the litre, will cost you €10, and will definitely have you dancing by the end of the first glass. At Springfest you’ll be able to try Augustiner beer, Spaten Frülingsfest Hell and Paulaner wheat beer. We particularly like the Spaten Frülingsfest Hell, just for the name.

     3. You can stay with Stoke Travel

Our Oktoberfest parties are legendary and we pretty much do the same thing for Springfest. All your accommodation is supplied, with twin share tents, air mattresses and sleeping bags, so nothing to worry about there. We’ll be cooking you breakfast to line the belly before you make your way into the festival itself, and dinner for when you return. We will have DJs and drinking games making sure that the party at the campsite is just as wild as the official party in the beer halls. There will be hundreds of like minded, beer loving travellers staying with us, so you’ll easily find plenty of new friends and maybe a love interest. And fuelling it all is our amazing €10 open German beer bar, serving as much beer or sangria as you can fit in your belly, between opening hours.

Are you in love with Springfest yet? It really is the second best beer festival in the world, maybe the best if you really dig that authentic local flavour. You should probably check out some more information on the event, because it’s coming up sooner than you think…

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El panorama del long y surf clásico en nuestro país, está de enhorabuena, los jóvenes están cogiendo el relevo y nuevos surfers van descubriendo el “FEELING”  del long clásico, hoy entrevistamos a un ejemplo de lo que estamos hablando, es Jon Garmendia, un tío joven y que no hace mucho era uno de esos tantos […]
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