Mes: junio 2018

We spend a lot of time singing the praises of the San Sebastian Surf House, and rightfully so because it is amazing, but let us tell you a thing or two about or wonderful Zarautz Beach Camp.

The Surf House, with its real beds and stately construction in the traditional Basque style, would seem like the obvious choice for a San Sebastian surf holiday. But down the bottom of the hill from Aia, where the house is, is a smaller hill, and on top of that you’ll find our Zarautz Beach Camp, and it’s very damn lovely in its own right.

Here are the benefits of the camp:

1. It’s nearer to the beach
   From the surf house you have to rely on our shuttles to get you down to the surf and back up. At the camp you can use your two feet and heartbeat, so even though you’ll be walking down — and then back up — the hill you can surf, swim and sunbathe whenever you want and wherever you want along the Zarautz beach.
2. The views are spectacular
   From the Surf House the views take you across the rolling Basque hills and down to the Bay of Biscay, adding a foreground to your sunset vista. From the Surf Camp, however, we’re seeing the sunset from the front row, in all its glory, with only the unbearably gorgeous town of Getaria interrupting the view.
3. The party is merely a walk away
   If you want to find a party from the Surf Camp the town of Zarautz is a wander down the hill and a mean stumble back up once the festivities have wrapped. There you’ll find a bunch of small, fun bars, some with food, others with pumping top-40 dance music. At the Surf House you will spend most of your evenings in the house, drinking in our downstairs bar, and sometimes rolling on a bus into San Sebastian city for a wilder night on the tiles.
4. You’ll be sleeping in tents
   And while it is more intense than sleeping on a real bed in the surf house, staying in tents does add the illusion of privacy (there’s a nylon wall between you and your neighbours), plus you’re having an adventure in nature, so you can always brag to your friends about being the outdoorsy type.
5. The Surf House fills up
   But the Surf Camp has unlimited availability, meaning that if you’re a late booker, or you’re rolling with a gang of hundreds, there will always be a place for you up the hill in Zarautz.

The Zarautz Surf Camp is open on the hill alongside Zarautz beach from the 30th of June to the 22nd of July. The San Sebastian Surf House is open from the end of May until sometime in September. Both are awesome in their own special way, so whichever your preference make sure you make the pilgrimage the the Basque coast this summer.

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There’s nothing finer in our young adult, adult, and elderly adult lives than travelling Europe. Oh the culture! The civilisation! The way they don’t mind when we act so uncivilised! Travelling Europe is such an important rite of passage between being a youngster growing up in your hometown, and having Europe make you realise that you cannot possibly live there anymore.

But it can be so expensive! Europe costs so much sometimes, especially to new travellers who don’t really know how to have a great time and keep their pennies heavy in their pockets. Well, lucky for you we’ve done the hard yards and learnt through pain, loss and good times just how to save money while on the road.

Pay attention to this list, because if you follow these 10 pieces of advice, not only will you spend less money in Europe, but probably return home fucking loaded!

1. Attend Stoked In The Park Pamplona
   Music festivals are such a part of the European experience, but once you’ve paid the entry fee (fair) then you have to find accommodation (difficult) sort out all your meals (this is getting full on) and then buy all of your drinks. But at Stoked In The Park for €60 per day you get to see Art Vs Science, have your accommodation included in the ticket price, as well as breakfasts and dinners and for for an extra €10 per day we’ll open up our unlimited beer and sangria bars to you. Money = saved right there.
2. Sail Croatia with Stoke
   Much like all other sail Croatia deals, Stoke’s isn’t that cheap – boats that don’t sink, captains that don’t sink them, etc cost money. The big difference between Stoke’s sail Croatia trip and others, however, is that we have an open bar onboard (seeing a trend here?), so that while on other boats you’ll be burning money on beers on the boat, while with Stoke you can drink as many as you want (trust us, it will be a lot).
3. Use Stoke Travel to transfer between Barcelona and Valencia
   You’re going to La Tomatina, right, well instead of paying for your Stoke stay separate to you transport, combine the two of them and ride on our private coach with us. We’ll pick you up from central Barcelona and take you directly to your accommodation. Or ride with us from Barcelona or San Sebastian to Pamplona for Running of the Bulls, or even London to Munich for Oktoberfest. Chances are, that from wherever you are we can get you a ride to where you’re going and save you some serious cheddar.
4. Camp in Ibiza with Stoke Travel
   Ibiza is one of those places you’ve just got to visit on your Europe trip, but have you seen how expensive accommodation is! Food! Drinks! This is an island that caters to Russian oligarchs, Arab princes and… scumbag travellers just like you thanks to Stoke’s Ibiza Beach Camp, situated on the water and with accommodation and breakfast included in the price, you’ll be saving money, making friends and working on your tan.
5. Combine your surf lessons with your accommodation and meals package
   So you want to become a shred dog while travelling, and you’d be mad not too – Europe has some of the best beaches for learning to surf in the world, not least of which because they’re home to Europe’s coastal culture, including a very relaxed attitude to bikini tops and speedo bottoms. But surf lessons are expensive, as is accommodation near the beach and your post-surf sandwich… well the Stoke Travel San Sebastian Surf Camp combines all of the above in the one neat little package and with licensed and experienced Australian surf instructors to boot. So not only do you save money, but some beautiful Australian surf god/goddess might just save your life too.
6. Make the most of Stoke Travel’s open bar before you hit the Oktoberfest beer halls
   Oktoberfest is on the bucket list for sure, it’s the world’s biggest beer party, probably the world’s biggest party devoted to any particular booze, and those beer halls are hallowed tents of tens-of-thousands of revellers tipping back steins and paying in excess of €10 for each one! And while that’s eminently worth the pasta, you can save serious dough by loading up on beers in our world-famous campsite bar beforehand.
7. Sail the Barcelona coastline on a Stoke Travel boat party
   Won’t your friends back home just be desperate with envy when they see you sailing the Catalan coastline of a sunset, admiring the way the day ends over the Barcelona city skyline. Well imagine how envious they’ll be when they realise that you only paid €50 for the experience, including two alco-mo-holic beverages and a BBQ. Hot damn! Money saved!
8. See wine country on Stoke’s San Vino trip
   Wine country in Europe is something very lovely that you should squeeze into your trip, but not exactly cost effective. Nobody thinks budget when they think about going wine tasting. Well, guess who visits Spanish wine country with the intention of catching one of Europe’s coolest festivals and seeing La Rioja, one of the world’s premier red-wine producing regions… you guessed right, Stoke Travel do. And like everything else it’s all-inclusive, with an open bar, so you just know you’ll be saving money here too.

That’s only eight ways to save money while you’re travelling Europe, we know, but the ninth is so big it should be worth two. The ultimate way to save money while travelling Europe is to get yourself a Stoke Travel Passport, which will allow you to visit four of our destinations and trips and have three nights all-inclusive in each, which means you’ll get 12 nights of Stoke Travel joy for only €550. That way you can tick off four of our money saving tips from above, or get yourself two passports and do them all.

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Sterling Spencer es un “freesurfer”  de Florida, un tío bastante conocido al otro lado del charco, por sus desenfados vídeos de surf y por su faceta de bloguero, donde se quedaba con toda la fauna surfer y la industria y claro por su estratosférico surfing, un tío con una facilidad pasmosa para cambiar de tabla […]
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It could be argued that there’s nothing more that one should hope to achieve from the Running of the Bulls, than not dying. When putting oneself in front of 500 kilogram bulls, confused, scared, perhaps angry bulls, the best we can hope for is to emerge on the other side with our bodies – and indeed our lives – intact.

With something as important as your very life at stake, you don’t want to leave your San Fermin fortunes up to fate. No need to chance this very important five minutes, which is as long as most bull runs last, may as well make some decisions beforehand, and during, that severely up your odds at keeping your feet firmly planted somewhere on this mortal coil.

It is in the interest of your survival post the first week or so of July that we will share with you this guide to surviving the bull run. To be completely fair, we want you alive, not least because we like you a lot, but even more so because if you are killed by a bull while staying with us it makes for horrible press, and also a living traveller is better return business.

1. Don’t run with bulls
   This is by far and away the most surefire method to survive the bull run. Sleep in that morning, or arrive just to spectate. Stand the run out, stay away from the bulls. 100% of the bulls who can’t touch you, can’t kill you. You can also be proud that you didn’t contribute to the cruelty of the bull run.
2. Focus on dodging the bulls
   Many runners will put their heads down and sprint for their life while the bulls breathe down their neck. This is a terrible idea. With your back turned to the bulls you can never truly perceive when they’re angling to impale you, and the fact of the matter is that you will never outrun the bulls from start to finish – at some point they will overtake you. What is better is to go for a slight jog while the bulls are approaching, checking over your shoulder for their arrival, and when they’re upon you turning to face them and jumping out of their path. What is fun then is to run alongside and then behind the bulls, but watch out if they crash.
3. If the bulls fall down, get the fuck out of there
   Normally the bulls will follow the steers down the centre of the bull run. Occasionally the bulls won’t make it around a corner, crash out and lose the pack. The bulls then can turn around, run back up the course in the opposite direction, or worse still select someone from amongst the runners in front of them and relentlessly gore them until their attention is taken by someone pulling on their tail. You do not want to be one of the bull’s options for this relentless goring.
4. Avoid the bull run’s danger spots
   Dead man’s corner is so called because it’s not where you want to be if staying alive is high on your priorities list. Make sure you’re not in front of the bulls at that point, or even behind because they sometimes fall down there and, see point three. Another dangerous spot is the bottleneck that goes from the street into the bullfighting arena, where the run ends. Avoid there too, as when the bulls come through there’s no space for them to navigate that space without putting some unlucky souls on the end of their horns.
5. Worry about humans as much as bulls
   Humans are less physically threatening than bulls, obviously, but there are so many more humans than bulls in this event, and through a combination of fear, hangovers and perhaps genetics/upbringing they’re considerably stupider than the animals they think are after them. When you fall down and stumble in the bull run terrified tourists will trample you; attempting to stand up will result in a knee, or a foot, to the back of the head. Your fellow man will push you aside to save your skin and you’ll end up in the path of a bull because Jeff from Oklahoma thought that his shitty life was more valuable than yours.
6. Don’t be a bull
   If you want to be sure of dying just be a bull. Not only are they the only participants of this event who are there against their will, they are also assured to die as a result of it. The bull fights, that come every afternoon after the bull runs, offer the bulls a 100% chance of passing away – even if they defeat the matador (who fights with a team of assassins on their side, aided by walls to hide behind and horses to sit upon), the bull will still be killed. The best way to avoid dying in Pamplona is to not be a bull, it’s as simple as that. 

Sure, it’s culture, but it’s a barbaric culture and probably past its used-by date. But don’t take our word for it, come and see for yourself – and then stay for San Fermin’s amazing street parties, and our Stoked in the Park festival.

 

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Festival season is upon us! Well, as children of the world it was never down-off us, really. But with the advent of summer in the northern hemisphere it’s really here for reals, and we’re looking down the barrel of back-to-back, non-stop festivals full of music, merriment, new friends and even some weird shit.

We need to be careful, however, that our festival preparation matches our pre-festival excitement. Festivals inspire their own particular set of needs, and we need to make sure that we’re equipped to survive the manifold parties we’ve signed up for, whether financially through ticket purchases, verbally with friends or in blood. We need to enter festival season with the six Ps mantra on the forefront of our minds:

Prior Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance

The thing with festival season is that each and every event will tax and challenge you in a unique manner. Some will fill your ears with too much bass, leaving you ringing for days; others will fill your legs with lactic acid and leave you in a state of constant burn. That said, there are some aspects of festival attending that are uniform across all events, and as such can be dealt with through some generic pre-planning (these details also match our basic human needs – how convenient!).

Breathing

This is the easiest festival need to prepare for. Make sure your mouth and nostrils are working, as you’ll need to breath through the latter when faced with festival dance-floor dust storms, and the former when confronted with mysterious odours when jam-packed into the mosh pit.

Water

Very important, and knowing this unscrupulous festival barons seek to profit from this very basic requirement of life. You won’t be allowed to take water in, so make sure you locate your nearest tap and frequent it whenever you feel cottonmouth coming on. Or, just go to Stoked In The Park, Pamplona, where you’re not only offered free drinking water, but unlimited beer and sangria also.

Food

Many a festival monster will try and get through the day, the night, and maybe the day again without eating, but we know those monsters as absolute dummies! Eating food is such an integral part of the festival going experience, with all events worth attending featuring exotic food trucks alongside caravans selling greasy fairground favourites. Usually you’ll start your day with paella and Tibetan momos and finish up with a face full of greasy fries and cotton candy in your hair. 

Sleep

While it’s unlikely that you’ll get your eight hours, for multiple-day festivals make sure you’re in bed and nodding off before the sun comes up each day, because that way even if you’re only getting 90-minute’s sleep before being woken by the sounds of your tent neighbours chugging beer bongs, you can still kid yourself into believing you’ve had a full night’s kip. Or, come to a Stoke Travel festival, like La Tomatina where you can choose to sleep in a hotel and catch all the 40 winks your heart desires.

Clothing

Will it be hot? Yes. Will it be cold? Most likely. Will it rain? Will the wind howl? Snow? Drought? Tornados? We don’t know how they do it, but festival organisers always seem to out events in the most tempestuous environments possible. Expect mud flows and freezing rains and hot nights and freezing middays – and pack accordingly! But don’t pack too much, because you don’t want to carry all that stuff around. Forget sudoku, Rubik’s cubes and tetris, packing for a festival is the puzzle that will truly challenge you.

Shelter

Have this organised before you arrive! Are you going to camp? Get a hotel room away from the festival? Or not sleep/try not to sleep and pass out in the middle of the crowd? Whatever it is, you better have your sleeping arrangements arranged, because this is something that can’t be organised on the day. Unless you’re attending Stoked in the Park, and all Stoke festivals, where all accommodations come included in your ticket and are pre-prepared for your arrival.

Sex

You’re on your own with this one, but if you take care of the other basic needs then this one might just fall into place.

Stoked In The Park is a music festival inside Pamplona’s famous San Fermin fiesta from July 7-9. This celebration of music and food will feature Australia’s Art Vs Science as the headliners, as well as riverside yoga, pool parties and local wine tasting.

 

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Look, let’s be honest. Ibiza is a beautiful island with crystal-clear/azure waters and eyeball-melting mountains, cliffs and countryside. It’s full of nice restaurants, cafes, castles and the most beautiful people your b-division eyes have ever had the pleasure of feasting on.

Ibiza is also a place where parties happen non-stop, 24/7 from now until September, and most of those parties feature some form of electronic music, repetitive beats, you know what we’re saying chew-your-face-off kinda music. You know what we’re saying.

That drugs make this kind of music great! Or maybe better, but at least bearable. Only the hardest of core of electronic music fans will listen to electronic music completely sober, sitting in the car, on their way to do the shopping. The rest of us only listen to it when we’re either a) fucked up, or b) watching one of those “People Are Awesome” compilation videos.

But you’re not going to take drugs in Ibiza! Nope, no way, because you’ve read the pamphlets and listened to the priestesses and you know that drugs are bad. You’re not going to take drugs in Ibiza because despite Stoke Travel’s “don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t hurt yourself” policy towards partying, you’re a responsible young traveller who wants to just get HIGH ON LIFE.

Here are some more reasons you won’t take drugs in Ibiza.

Alcohol

You won’t take alcohol in Ibiza because alcohol is drunk, not taken. And you will drink alcohol in Ibiza because at camp we have a €10/all-you-can-drink deal on beer and sangria. In da club you won’t drink alcohol because it’s super expensive, but even then you will probably buy a bunch of rum colas and then combine your hangover with bankruptcy.

Cigarettes

You won’t hit the cigarettes in Ibiza because we’re the vape generation, so instead we’ll sit around sucking on little robot dildos and blowing out vast plumes of apple-scented android fog, because we want to live forever even if we look like massive tools doing so.

Marijuana

You won’t smoke the devil’s lettuce in Ibiza because you don’t want to sit around being spun out on just how vast the universe is, man. You also don’t want to chill out, talking shit and enjoying the sunny beach days, while munching on the delicious meals whipped up by our in-camp cooks. You won’t want to suck on a delicious hash joint while you’re doing that at all.

Ecstacy

You won’t want to take a pill in Ibiza because you don’t want to be totally predictable. Everybody’s taking pills in Ibiza, because they’re pretty much perfect for the vibe and the music, but you won’t take any pills because you’re a mega individual.  

Cocaine

You won’t do any coke in Ibiza because you don’t want to be ducking into the toilets every 15 minutes. You also won’t need the extra energy while partying for 16-hours straight on the fourth day. You can just have a couple of octuple-shot espressos every 15 minutes; perhaps snort them, in the bathroom. You also won’t do cocaine because it probably costs like €50 a gram, and ain’t nobody going to fork out that kind of cash.

MDMA

You won’t do MDMA in Ibiza because you don’t want to feel really nice while looking really bad.

Ketamine

You won’t take special K in Ibiza because ketamine is designed to tranquilise horses so there’s no way that’ll be any good for partying all night in a club filled with thumping beats, beautiful weirdos and insane stage/light shows. No way at all…

Heroin/Meth

You won’t do heroin or meth in Ibiza because you’re not a bloody idiot.

There you have it. Are you now ready for some good, wholesome Ibiza fun? Come and join us at our Beach Camp, it’s a PG blast!

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Pues si chaval@s los chicos de VANS se “tiraron a la piscina” después del DUCT TAPE de Zarautz, los Tudor, Knost, Dan Reynodls, Tanner Guduaskas, Lee Ann Curren y parte del staff se lo pasaron en grande en el WAVEGARDEN, brutal la imagen de JOEL TUDOR en el nose de su log en medio del agua dulce de una piscina.
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Este fin de semana, se vuelven a juntar en Biarritz motos y tablones, gasolina y quillas, humo y parafina, en el Wheels and Waves. Una combinación ya extendida en varios eventos, que aunque no le acabamos de encontrar el nexo de unión, parece ser que funciona. Coches clásicos, motos cafe racer, tablas single fin, música […]
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As we look back on Springfest and reflect, misty-eyed, over the first festival of the Stoke Travel season, it’s easy to forget that sometimes things don’t go exactly according to plan.  We at Stoke want everybody to make the most of their festival and keep disappointments to a minimum. In our many years of experience getting people shitfaced and sending them off into Munich’s beer halls, we’ve seen it all – good and bad.  So in the spirit of giving, here’s a list of nifty tips and tricks compiled from the mistakes of others. They fucked up so you don’t have to.

Know how to get home

Okay, this one seems pretty basic, but it never ceases to amaze us how often people follow a crowd into the beer halls, only to realize several hours and liters later that they have no idea where home is.  Like helpless, drunken babes in the woods they wander, some for hours. If you need to, write the directions down. Make a mnemonic device. At the very least, remember the name of the campsite to tell a cab driver, because even the best days can take a sudden turn for the worse when facing the prospect of sleeping on a bench for the night.

Tip your bier frau

Let me preface this one with a fact: the bier fraus serving up liters at Munich’s beer halls do not give one single shit about you.  Not one shit. They have more customers than they know what to do with, and unless you speak German, your interaction with these elusive creatures is going to be brief.  The best most of us can hope for is that we haven’t somehow pissed off the gatekeepers of the golden nectar, and there are a couple easy ways to go about this. The first is to make sure you have a seat, because typically, only people at a table will get served.  The second is to always tip. Forget to toss a euro or two in for her trouble, and it very well might be the last time you see that alcohol angel.

Time your arrival

As I mentioned above, getting a beer in Munich’s halls is nearly impossible if you’re not sitting at a table.  People (tourists and locals alike) tend to stay for a while when they visit the festival, and so table space is valuable and coveted almost as much as beer itself.  Try to time your arrival to the beer halls with the natural cycle of guests. A couple hours before lunch is a good bet, as well as a few hours after. At Stoke, we like to head into town in the late afternoon/early evening, as the lunch crowd is leaving and the dinner crowd is starting to filter in.

Get comfortable in your clothes

Well, comfortable isn’t exactly the right word.  Lederhosen and Dirndls aren’t exactly the comfiest outfits in the world, and they take some getting used to.  Take our advice and pop those traditional bavarian beauties on a few hours before you go out.  Naturally, there’s a few insider tips we’ve gathered, which we’ll share with you now: If you’re wearing lederhosen, be careful with your squatting.  And your bending. And possibly stepping up too suddenly. Nothing’s quite as embarrassing (for you, hilarious for us) as taking a bow and splitting those tight leather pants right up the crotch.  Ladies, when you put your dirndls on, pay attention to how other (preferably German) women are wearing it. The sash on your apron also has a special significance to it, depending on where you tie it.  Left side means single, right side taken, and in the middle means virgin (which, let’s not kid ourselves, you aren’t).

ID

This is a quick one.  Bring your ID. Just do it.  You probably won’t need it, but beer halls do check occasionally.  Better to have it and not need it than need it and have to come all the way home while your friends are busy drinking.

Go wild

That’s what the festival is for! Don’t be shy, scull that stein and hop up on the table for a rousing verse or two.  Shout, pound the table. Have another liter. Have another liter. Ride some carnival rides (Stoke is partial to the fun house).  Buy a giant schnitzel. You’ve come a long way to experience a German beer festival, so you might as well make the most of it. The locals will be right there with you, letting loose after several months of mild-mannered and efficient work.

 

We’ve got a long season ahead before Stoke rolls back into Campingplatz Obermenzing for the madness of Oktoberfest, so that means plenty of time to commit these to memory.  And also a fair bit of training in the finer arts of beer drinking.

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La Tomatina is coming soon, and with it all of your body’s holes filled with tomato pulp! Glorious! Tomato seeds, tomato juice, tomato skin, all combining and getting deep inside you following the hour or so of delightful mayhem that is throwing salad fruit at each other.

Not many punters know much about the manifold and diverse orifices of a human body; hardly anyone can number just how many holes the average human houses. Here at Stoke we’re decade-long veterans of the tomato fight, and as such we’re intimate with our bodily cavities being filled each and every end of August. This is why we’ve gone through each and every orifice and explained just what happens when these holes are violated by tomato detritus. Shall we start at the top?

Orifices one and two – ear holes

Ear holes are for hearing, unless you’re deaf, at which point they’re just for decoration. Tomato pulp of all kinds will enter your ear hole orifices and,  given the spirally nature of the lead-in to the ear holes this tomato waste can be pretty tenacious in its hanging on. Oftentimes the ears and ear holes are the last bits to be cleared of tomatoes – especially the tomato skin, which kind of hides behind the weird flappy bits of your ears.

Orifices three and four – tear ducts

Tear ducts are weird orifices, in that they’re kind of a one-way orifice. There is no pornographic genre devoted to fruits/vegetables penetrating tear ducts, while ear holes and nostrils each count millions of daily viewers. Tomato pulp isn’t going to get in your tear ducts, but it will get around your tear ducts. The thing with tomatoes and eyes is that tomatoes are on a mission to reshape eyeballs in their image, to change the very consistency of the human eye so that all remains is a glowing red orb that can’t be healed by drops or lemon juice, dooming the bearer to wander the earth with a pair of glowing rubies wedged into their cranium.

Orifices five and six – nostrils

The nostrils are on the front line of the pulpic attack, and as such are breached by more tomato-bits than any other part of the body. But never fear, as the nostrils are easily cleaned, simply close off all other orifices and blow out hard – the blockages will force the tomato, plus all your boogers, out of your nose and onto the person next to you.

Orifice seven – mouth

The mouth is the orifice most accustomed to tomato, and therefore the orifice least affected by La Tomatina. When you get the seedy bits in your mouth – due to you being a mouth breather, or because you copped a face full mid battle-cry – you won’t feel all that strange. Your body will be like, Oh yeah, I’m eating a tomato, and you’ll probably feel exceptionally healthy, because when’s the last time you ate raw, fresh fruit you fucking travelling heathen?

Orifices eight and nine – nipples

Nipples are like tear ducts in that they’re pretty much a one-way street, unless you’re a guy in which they’re a no-way street. Like, seriously, why do guys even have nipples? And why, outside of French and Spanish beaches, are women’s useful nipples deemed so offensive? Free the nip! Let them slip! Free nipples from censorship and allow them to be lathered in tomato juice, just like god intended.

Orifice ten – urethra

You might get a little tomato juice in your urethra, like a molecule or so, and you will know because it will sting a little. When that happens you should wince, do a little pee pee, and carry on. If your urethra continues to sting, perhaps go and see a doctor because that’s definitely not from tomatoes.

Orifice eleven – anus

Not much tomato will get in-in your poop chute, but it will make its way down your crack and get deeply wedged into a pretty dark place. Plus, when you’re washing the tomato from other parts of your body it will cascade down and end up between your butt cheeks, but mostly will avoid going actually into your anus. For the bits of tomato that do enter the chamber of forbidden delights, we suggest digging it out with a finger, maybe two if you’re really open minded.

Bonus orifice – vagina

Women La Tomatina attendees are blessed with an extra orifice that is generally used to bring new life into the world! How wonderful! Many guys are unaware about this bonus orifice’s existence (note: idiots on social media calling women “two holes” – they’re twelve holes, ya nincompoops!), but to the initiated, we know all about this blessed extra orifice women possess. BUT, as marvellous as vaginas are, tomatoes don’t discriminate, and will make their way into vaginas if given half a chance. Therefore, women, be aware that you may be digging tomato pulp out of both your fanny (American) and your fanny (the rest of us).

Don’t let this scare you, in our decade of attending La Tomatina not one traveller has had any long-lasting detriment from having their holes filled with tomato guts, although that one lady did give birth to an unfortunately red and round baby that one time… if you’re extra worried about cleaning up your holes, consider Stoke Travel’s hotel stays, now with private showers so you can spend hours exploring your entries and hoisting out buried seeds before they sprout inside of you.

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