La Tomatina is coming soon, and with it all of your body’s holes filled with tomato pulp! Glorious! Tomato seeds, tomato juice, tomato skin, all combining and getting deep inside you following the hour or so of delightful mayhem that is throwing salad fruit at each other.
Not many punters know much about the manifold and diverse orifices of a human body; hardly anyone can number just how many holes the average human houses. Here at Stoke we’re decade-long veterans of the tomato fight, and as such we’re intimate with our bodily cavities being filled each and every end of August. This is why we’ve gone through each and every orifice and explained just what happens when these holes are violated by tomato detritus. Shall we start at the top?
Orifices one and two – ear holes
Ear holes are for hearing, unless you’re deaf, at which point they’re just for decoration. Tomato pulp of all kinds will enter your ear hole orifices and, given the spirally nature of the lead-in to the ear holes this tomato waste can be pretty tenacious in its hanging on. Oftentimes the ears and ear holes are the last bits to be cleared of tomatoes – especially the tomato skin, which kind of hides behind the weird flappy bits of your ears.
Orifices three and four – tear ducts
Tear ducts are weird orifices, in that they’re kind of a one-way orifice. There is no pornographic genre devoted to fruits/vegetables penetrating tear ducts, while ear holes and nostrils each count millions of daily viewers. Tomato pulp isn’t going to get in your tear ducts, but it will get around your tear ducts. The thing with tomatoes and eyes is that tomatoes are on a mission to reshape eyeballs in their image, to change the very consistency of the human eye so that all remains is a glowing red orb that can’t be healed by drops or lemon juice, dooming the bearer to wander the earth with a pair of glowing rubies wedged into their cranium.
Orifices five and six – nostrils
The nostrils are on the front line of the pulpic attack, and as such are breached by more tomato-bits than any other part of the body. But never fear, as the nostrils are easily cleaned, simply close off all other orifices and blow out hard – the blockages will force the tomato, plus all your boogers, out of your nose and onto the person next to you.
Orifice seven – mouth
The mouth is the orifice most accustomed to tomato, and therefore the orifice least affected by La Tomatina. When you get the seedy bits in your mouth – due to you being a mouth breather, or because you copped a face full mid battle-cry – you won’t feel all that strange. Your body will be like, Oh yeah, I’m eating a tomato, and you’ll probably feel exceptionally healthy, because when’s the last time you ate raw, fresh fruit you fucking travelling heathen?
Orifices eight and nine – nipples
Nipples are like tear ducts in that they’re pretty much a one-way street, unless you’re a guy in which they’re a no-way street. Like, seriously, why do guys even have nipples? And why, outside of French and Spanish beaches, are women’s useful nipples deemed so offensive? Free the nip! Let them slip! Free nipples from censorship and allow them to be lathered in tomato juice, just like god intended.
Orifice ten – urethra
You might get a little tomato juice in your urethra, like a molecule or so, and you will know because it will sting a little. When that happens you should wince, do a little pee pee, and carry on. If your urethra continues to sting, perhaps go and see a doctor because that’s definitely not from tomatoes.
Orifice eleven – anus
Not much tomato will get in-in your poop chute, but it will make its way down your crack and get deeply wedged into a pretty dark place. Plus, when you’re washing the tomato from other parts of your body it will cascade down and end up between your butt cheeks, but mostly will avoid going actually into your anus. For the bits of tomato that do enter the chamber of forbidden delights, we suggest digging it out with a finger, maybe two if you’re really open minded.
Bonus orifice – vagina
Women La Tomatina attendees are blessed with an extra orifice that is generally used to bring new life into the world! How wonderful! Many guys are unaware about this bonus orifice’s existence (note: idiots on social media calling women “two holes” – they’re twelve holes, ya nincompoops!), but to the initiated, we know all about this blessed extra orifice women possess. BUT, as marvellous as vaginas are, tomatoes don’t discriminate, and will make their way into vaginas if given half a chance. Therefore, women, be aware that you may be digging tomato pulp out of both your fanny (American) and your fanny (the rest of us).
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