Have you ever been in that super awkward situation where you’ve met a guy in your hostel, he asks you to go for a drink somewhere and you oblige despite knowing exactly how he wants it to end? You go for the drink, but you’re really not feeling it. Obviously, as any well educated and intelligent person knows, all you have to do is simply cock-block yourself. Soon after, he’s the one left feeling incredibly dumb and wondering what on earth was going through his mind when he thought he wanted to have sex with you.
If you’re wondering how this can be done, it’s really quite simple. There are many ways you can successfully cock-block yourself. Hell, you can even get a lil’ creative if you want. We’ve tried and tested many methods in this fine art, and although we wouldn’t consider ourselves to be experts just yet, we reckon we’re pretty bloody good. Here’s a list of our top five ways to successfully cock-block yourself:
- Yawn heaps
This simple yet effective move shows that you are absolutely, completely 100% disinterested in what he has to say and in turn, his company. This is going to put him off because he will naturally assume that everything he is saying is useless and uninteresting, and he’s probably right. If you really want to amp it up, in conjunction with your excessive yawning, verbally express how exhausted you are and he will correctly assume you’re way too tired to participate in any kind of physical activity.
- Talk about your ex a lot
This move not only scares him off but it also makes him fully aware that you’ve got emotional baggage, which is less than ideal. It works better if you talk about the happy times you shared rather than the sad. Doing this might lead him to assume there’s a chance you two might rekindle things in the near future, the ultimate cock-block. Another important thing to note when talking about your ex is that this poor guy is now almost definitely imagining the two of you getting freaky. This has the potential to totally turn him off, or it could backfire and make him want you even more. Usually it turns him off but it’s always good to be prepared for either outcome.
- Call him ‘mate’ a lot
By calling him mate frequently during conversation, you’re really getting the point across that he’s exactly that, a mate. It’s highly likely that his ego will be quite bruised and he will probably never try to make a move on you ever again. Men don’t often like to be called mate by women they are trying to make out with, especially not multiple times in one sitting. There is something about a woman calling him mate that instantly makes a man’s penis dramatically decrease in size, and despite many tests being run on why this happens, there is no scientific evidence to explain it. Whatever the reason is, it’s a good, simple way to cock-block yourself while getting some sick enjoyment out of watching him squirm with every ‘mate’ you drop.
- Spend the whole time on your phone
In this day and age, we’re always on our phones. The rectangular bastards rule the roost and it seems to have become the norm to always have them present, replying to every little buzz and beep the demanding little thing makes. Take this to the next level by aimlessly scrolling through instagram, barely replying to anything he says with the exception of the occasional and obviously uninterested Ohhh yeahhh and to really amp it up, watch facebook videos out loud. This will not only make you look like you’re super popular and untouchable but he will probably get pretty sick of the one-sided conversation and wrap things up early.
- Turn up covered in tomatoes
You’ve just returned from a trip with party masters Stoke Travel, to the world’s biggest tomato fight, La Tomatina. You’ve had the time of your life smashing thousands of strangers in the face with acidic red fruit, and getting smashed in return. There is not one part of your body that has escaped the messy wrath of the tomato fight and you’re starting to wonder if you might ever be clean again. The key here is to embrace it! Go on the date in all your tomato glory, don’t wash your hair, relish (haha, get it, relish) in the aftermath of having gone swimming in the worlds biggest bolognese. When you arrive, he will look at you funny and you’ll play it cool, leaving him confused and probably disgusted (in himself for not coming) and the date will be inevitably cut short so that you can go home and shower.
The age old art of cock-blocking has been practiced for female enjoyment for a number of years now and there are many, many ways it can be done. Although we have only touched on a mere five, (the fifth is the best and most effective by far) you can always get creative with your methods. Get yourself along to La Tomatina for the world’s biggest food fight, get saucy, get drunk and work on your cock-blocking skills in the biggest, most fun, all inclusive campsite in Valencia. See ya there!
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