Everyone knows the number one rule at a festival is to get as fucked up as humanly possible. This is all well and good, but we weren’t born yesterday and we know this doesn’t happen instantly. As with anything worth doing, it comes in stages – stages that have been perfectly mapped out so as to achieve the desired effect at exactly the right moment, resulting in everyone having the time of their lives! Pfft, yeah right.
If you’ve ever been to a festival with more than two people, you know things almost never work out that way. There is always at least one person who cooks their shit, someone is now their dedicated carer, someone else is flying so high they might never come down and someone else isn’t fucked up enough. After our recent trip to Bilbao’s very own BBK Live Festival and in preparation for the seven-day Hungarian bender that is Sziget, we’ve taken the guessing work out of getting pissed at a festival. What are the stages of getting cooked and how do you know how far along you are? What is the perfect level? How do you know when you’re in the danger zone? That’s where we come in with this handy little list of tell-tale signs.
- I’m feeling pretty chill, might only have a few and take it easy
This is the most common lie we tell ourselves at festivals. You rock up fresh faced and in absolute denial of the tom-foolery that is about to take place within the grassy fields, you’re so taken aback by the beauty and the all round good vibes that you just want to sit back and take it all in. That’s fine, but for no longer than 10 minutes, max. You’re not here to sit and smell the roses, you’re here to fuck and get fucked up. So stop acting like a little bitch, crack open a beer (while they’re still cold) and grow up.
- Oh shit yeah, now I’m feeling it
That glorious moment after you’ve casually consumed anywhere between one – five beers (depending on your tolerance), you can feel the party brewing and you know things are about to get silly. Your limbs might start to feel a little tingly, your ears warm and your cheeks red. You might start to zone out into a state of bliss, usually where you’ll ponder over how lucky you are to have the friends you do and to be where you are at that exact moment in time. Beware – this can often be the stage in which people get sleepy, or even worse, soppy. Push on, follow that party urge you feel inside you.
- Almost fully razzed (the breaking of the seal)
At this stage you’ve pushed passed the soppy emotions, the sleepiness and the idiotic thought that you were going to take it easy tonight. Congrats! If you’ve broken the seal already, which by now it’s almost impossible that you haven’t, be prepared to pee a lot. It’s usually at this stage, after having broken said seal, that you’ll find yourself sitting on the toilet wondering when things got so fuzzy and you got so drunk. After that all important moment of self realisation, you burst out of the toilet and stumble back to your friends to consume yet another beer and sloppily yell things in each others faces.
- The perfect level
This is the stage where you’re likely to have the most fun. You are guarded by the armour of liquid courage and damn right you’re gonna pull that hot chick you’ve been eying off all night. You’re in the mosh, singing and dancing, throwing your arms around and tripping all over everything. You make at least 10 new besties in the mosh, take a couple of selfies, maybe some videos in which the background noise is entirely you singing terribly but you couldn’t give less of a fuck. This is you in your prime! Enjoy it while it lasts! It is important at this stage to keep the vibes high and your friends close. You will get ultimate enjoyment out of this most glorious stage of getting pissed if you’re around people that you like.
- Well, fuck (almost always literally)
This is the final and (often) the most risky stage of getting pissed. Some cry, some vomit, some keep drinking until the early hours of the morning and some disappear completely. Don’t be alarmed when things become a big blurry mash up of events, and some are wiped from your memory forever. It is at this point in the night you will most likely retreat back to your tent with a special someone and engage in some good old fashioned sloppy tent sex. You’ll be less than graceful and hell, your neighbours are almost definitely going to hear you but it’s important to remember to ask for forgiveness, not permission. Make sure you have water nearby because trust us, as soon as the morning sun hits your tent, you’re gonna need it. Well done comrade, you have made it to the final stage of getting pissed at a festival.
Now that you’re well acquainted with the five stages of getting pissed at a festival, you’re officially qualified (and hereby invited) to join us for the rest of our summer festivals! If music is your chosen vice, then why not come and get pissed with us at Sziget? If it’s a big ol’ food festival you’re after, La Tomatina is the one for you. If it’s simply beer you want then you’ll be right at home amongst our other 2000+ campers at Oktoberfest! Or even better still, get your hot little hands on the most flexible passport of them all, the Stoke Passport, and be front and centre for all the action!
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