If there’s anywhere in the world where it pays to be the hottest you can be it’s Ibiza. The notorious party island isn’t merely a summer-long ecstacy taste test, no! It’s also where the world’s gorgeous people gather and look each other up and down and either feel supremely superior or bitterly jealous. Obviously, feeling superior is preferred and the best way to feel like the king/queen/gender-non-specific-regent of these islands is to be as hot as possible.
And so it transpires that Stoke Travel has made a trip out to Ibiza in the week before our stunning beach camp opens, so that we can assess what’s looking hot this year and advise you on how to get your ass as spicy as it can be when you’re visiting this aesthetically blessed island.
Hot Pants
You’re going to need hot pants, or short shorts, or a speedo, or something that barely contains your crotch while showing off maximum crack and inner thigh. Women, we know that you’re accustomed to this kind of pant, but go even higher. Just wear a waistband with some pockets dangling down. Fellas, get those hairy-untanned thighs into the world. Wear these hot pants to the beach and to the supermarket, with bonus points if your muffin tops over the rim of the pants, or your straight-up belly obscures the tiny tight shorts from existence.
Golden Tan
It’s a hard ask, expecting you to turn up for your beach holiday tanned, but trust us it’s worth it. There are expats here who have been baking all winter, and the summer before it, for the past 26 years. That’s your competition. You should pre-tan before arrival so you can mix it with these bronzed leather boots. Now spray tan is an option, but a weak one, and one that the real tan lords out here will see through. We would recommend some solid solarium work, maybe double the maximum recommended sessions, so you can be as crispy as the sun worshippers on this sol-soaked paradise.
Tattoos
Tattoos, once the domain of sailors and old ladies’ eyebrows, are now a fashion accessory de rigeur. You absolutely must permanently mark your body before arriving in Ibiza if you want the fashionistas here to really think you are hot. Tribal tattoos on men’s shoulders are hot, as are tribal tattoos on women’s lower backs. If you want to go all out in your quest for hotness join an actual tribe and get them to tattoo you. The Mighty Chav tribe could do this for you, as could the Belligerent Bogans Of Bendigo.
Jewellery
The good thing about jewellery is that it’ll dazzle even when you can’t. You should coat yourself in “bling” so that when you just wake up on some stranger’s couch with your eyes crusted shut and weird white boogers pouring from your nose, you can still step outside into the bright Ibiza day and be HOT. Jewellery choices include really thick gold chains for both men and women or pirate hoop earrings.
White clothes
This is the most important item on this utterly ridiculous list. When in Ibiza you should always wear white, white shirts, white pants, white gloves. White is the colour of opulence and the opposite of work wear, unless you work as an angel. White is hot. White is the colour you’ll wear when Puff Daddy invites you onto his yacht for a party. They call Ibiza the White Island because this is where you need to wear white and be as hot as you can be.
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