The Mediterranean is heating up and there’s no better way to make the most of the long summer than with a sneaky Barcelona trip. But what to pack? Chances are you’re only rolling with carry-on, so space is as tight as your summer buns. Never fear, we live here in the 12-time winning Best City In The World award winner, and know exactly what you need to bring and what you most certainly leave behind.
No clothes
You won’t need any clothes. Partly this is because nudity is a-ok along certain, rather prominent, stretches of Barcelona’s beaches. It’s also because the Stoke Monkey clothing store, just behind the beach in Barceloneta, is fully stocked with totally hot shirts and hats that say Barcelona on them, and the like. They don’t yet stock pants, but you didn’t come on holiday to wear pants now, did you?
A fedora maybe
The Spanish sun is notoriously steaming, from about the month of April until well into October. It burns long, bright and hard, starting when you walk out of the club until dinner time, which is around 10pm. Sunscreen is advisable, sometimes, but not when you plan on being as hot as possible – the pale smear on your otherwise gorgeous face might make people think you’re not as tan as you are. A fedora, however, will protect you from the sun while letting your aura shine through, with the added bonus of acting like peacock feathers to anyone who loves the television series Big Bang Theory.
One of those cruiser skateboard things
Barcelona is a skateboarding mecca, from the famous MACBA ledges open to everybody, to the Street League contest that comes out here each and every year. How better to pay your homages to this bastion of getting radical, than cruising around on a device that has been genetically modified to prevent you from doing any of the tricks that make skateboarding great? Ollies, heelflips, grinds and slides? No need when you can plough your way through crowds of pedestrians, probably while wearing aforementioned fedora. Bonus points if you push mongo (extra bonus points if you know what pushing mongo means).
A fake wallet for every night of your trip
It’s no secret that Barcelona is a city full of petty thieves, scammers and pickpockets. But never fear as you can easily avoid their nefarious arts by having some of your wits about you. The dummy wallet is a good trick, lure them into thinking they’re getting their slimy mitts on your credit cards when all they’ve got is a velcro wallet full of human shit. Problem is once your fake wallet is stolen you’ll be forced to rely on your real wallet, which means that by night two of your Barcelona trip the robbers will be running away with your real gear. So pack more fake wallets, at least one for each night of your trip, but perhaps multiple fakes for big nights on the sauce. And maybe pre-prepare some poop so you can quickly fill the replacements up as swiftly as they’re snatched.
Some budgie smugglers
There’s no better Barcelona vantage point than from the Mediterranean Sea and no easier way to get out there than on one of Stoke Travel’s Party Boats. Beautiful people from all over the world getting together to share a couple of high seas beverages under the salty sun, while seagulls mate overhead and narwhals breach beyond the bow. Sounds idyllic, right? Well imagine how wonderful this vista will be when you’re perched up on deck in your speedos, dick directing the captain, as your fellow cruisers follow the back of your hairy thighs into good times.
The darkest sunglasses you can find
Once it’s all said and done you’re going to need a dark pair of glasses to hide your sins. You should also probably get that rash checked out and clean the human shit out of your pockets. Of course Barcelona was the best, but it takes its toll. The Stoke Travel staff you meet when you’re here are on average 11-year-old but we just look like we’re in our 20s. The ones who look like they’re in their 30s are actually over 50. Living our Barcelona best lives has a weird cyclic effect on aging.
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