London, England. An inebriated racegoer relieving herself alongside a rubbish bin hasn’t given up hope of meeting Elizabeth II, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of her other realms and territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith.
The reveller, identified by friends as Susie Hampton, 23, an Australian currently residing in London on a two-year working visa, had frocked up in her finest H&M bought party dress, in anticipation of a chance meeting with the British monarch at the annual Royal Ascot race meet.
“We are surprised we haven’t yet met the Queen”, declared Hampton, borrowing toilet paper from a friend playing lookout while affecting the royal we for the occasion, “one is here, her royal graciousness is here, the vibes are good. What’s the matter with her, is she stuck up or something?”
Friends said that Hampton first mentioned her unreasonable expectations during the day’s preparations, while they were doing each other’s hair and drinking the second cheapest Prosecco they could find in Tescos. “Yeah so she was getting a little tipsy and started talking about how she’s always loved the Queen and it’s her dream to meet her,” explained level headed pal, Bethany Hamilton, “and then she just snapped and was like, Maybe we’ll meet the Queen today! And the more and more she drank the more convinced she became that it was a possibility, that the Queen would look down from the balcony and notice her and call her up, or something, and they’d hit it off.
“We tried to tell her that it was very unlikely, but she had it in her mind and we couldn’t shake her out of it. Then she got excited and started drinking more and more prosecco, insisting that we spend more time on her hair and makeup because, One can’t meet the Queen dressed like a commoner, and yep she started referring to herself as ‘one’ and ‘we’ and put on this ridiculous accent.”
It would seem that the excitement had gotten the better of the regal aspirant, who had lost her fascinator and was carrying her shoes in her hand shortly after lunchtime. Witnesses report her imploring, “It’s a celebration! Lizzie! Liiiiizzziiiie! Come and celebrate with your royal subjects! I am your lesion, or are you my leachh, anyway, let’s partyyyyyy….”, towards the royal box, before the excitement got the better of her, causing her to slump out of a sloppy curtsey and rolling on the grass.
At the time of publication Miss Hampton was taking a timeout on a fold out chair, within sight of the royal pavilion, while her friends convinced concerned security that she was just suffering from a little exhaustion. We can confirm that she was heard humming God Save The Queen between hiccups and was planning on a cheeky tactical spew before turning her focus onto a lesser member of the royal family. “Maybe Harry, he’s only engaged, isn’t he? Maybe he wants some of this!”, she pondered before gesturing sloppily towards her grass stained dress.
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