Spending time on the slopes is a rare moment of ecstasy for most of us, with the combination of cost and access making it time to be treasured. As freeing as it is to glide downhill, sending a rooster tail of fresh powder high into the air behind you, there always seems to be at least one dickhead on the hill who seemingly exists purely just to piss you off. While it’s rarely enough to ruin the trip, these muppets are usually the only damper on an otherwise unblemished experience. Here’s a brief guide to identifying the main types of dickheads, in the hopes that you will then be able to avoid them.
- The Child Prodigy
Without fail, every single ski field has at least one of these, we’ve all seen them. While you and I are getting back to grips with skills we last put into practice two years ago, these little shits are bombing down hills at speeds that seem to defy the laws of physics, executing perfect parallel turns, landing jumps substantially bigger than they are, all while being barely out of nappies. How dare they be better than us. Inconsiderate little shits.
- Overly Optimistic Beginner
After half an hour on the magic carpet, there’s always a snowboarder who’s convinced they’ve mastered the sport, and that the logical next step is for them to go straight to the top of the mountain and take on a black run. Anyone attempting to descend said run for the next 45 minutes will have to be careful as round any corner this cocky bastard could be lurking, sitting on their arse, slowly shuffling their way down. Almost worse is when they do stand up so they can heel-edge their way straight down, leaving behind an icy piss streak of compressed snow that can mess up everyone else’s run.
- The Out-of-controller
The advanced stage of the Overly Optimistic Beginner is when they have absolutely no sense of safety, personal or otherwise, and point their skis or board straight downhill without understanding how to stop. The best case outcome in this situation is that they crash into a tree, injuring themselves just enough to be unable to carry on their suicidal mission. Worst case is that due to their lack of braking capabilities, they decide that your legs look like their best chance at avoiding hospital and send you tumbling down the mountain without time to understand what has hit you.
- Daddy’s Money
Decked up like a Christmas tree in the latest and greatest of snow fashion, these posh twats are often annoyingly good due to years of private ski lessons but the biggest problem is that they know it. Looking down at the rest of us so much they often suffer from vertigo, Daddy’s little gem can often be found breaking the give way rules as other people don’t count, or complaining loudly about how skiing in Utah was “sooo much better than here!!”
- The Cafe Champion
Somehow this character manages to be sitting in the cafe every time you reach the bottom of the slopes, but has also accomplished more moments of adrenaline pumping glory than everyone else on the trip combined. According to them, they narrowly missed being selected for the X Games and are currently having a wee sit down because on their last run they had close encounter with a bear they back flipped over while riding away from the main trails. *Cough cough bullshit cough cough*
- The Stokies
Identified by their inability to stand, even when they’re not on the slopes, these animals are every parent’s worst nightmare. A ball of expletive laden excitement, Stokies have more fun than everyone else on the field but beware, stand between them and the bar and you risk annihilation. As well as not standing in front of them, avoid going behind them too as instead of throwing up a rooster tail, they often just throw up. Actually, probably just best to avoid these dickheads all together, unless you’re looking for the party and/or STDs.
So now you know how to identify the arseholes you might meet on the ski field, you are faced with a choice. The prudent choice would be that you just focus on you, don’t worry about what anyone else is doing, just keep working on those toe side turns. Alternatively, if you can’t beat them, join them at Stoke’s legendary Andorra trip every weekend from January 12th to March 11th for only €260 all inclusive!