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Barcelona isn’t really the kind of city you want to leave, but if you’re here for a semester as a study abroad student it’s worth your while to do some weekend trips outside the city.

Barcelona is insanely well connected to the rest of Catalunya, Spain, Europe and the world, moving more than 47,000,000 passengers last year through its airport alone. From Barcelona it’s cheap and easy to make weekend and long weekend trips to wherever you want to go, but to narrow down the options here are some of our favourite trips that you can easily make in a weekend.

Weekend trips from Barcelona around Catalunya

There is plenty to see and do in Catalunya, the autonomous region of which Barcelona is the capital. The secondary cities of Tarragona, with it’s seaside Roman ampitheatre, and Girona, that was featured in Game Of Thrones are both about an hour, and €10 on the train. Here are some other favourites.

Costa Brava 

Barcelona’s own little Mediterranean paradise, complete with the small swimming coves known as calas, pine-covered mountains that run all the way down to the sea, and perfectly azul water. During summer Costa Brava is crowded with tourists from all over Europe, but that completely dies down in September while the weather and water remains warm. Check out Tossa de Mar for its seaside castle (there are castes everywhere up here), which can be reached by bus from Barcelona every hour, for around €15. Alternatively, you could sign up for a kayaking tour that will take you off the tourist trail and to some calas and platjas that are rarely visited by tourists.

Priorat 

A small region that produces perhaps the finest red wine in Spain, Priorat is an area of natural beauty and vineyards, small farms and stone villages. Priorat is no more than two hours from downtown Barcelona, but seems like an entirely different land, where narrow streets wind around mountains that are traversed by rivers and broken up where mountains rise above the grapes. The best thing too, apart from discovering a wine region that not many people know about, is sampling, and taking home, the absolutely amazing reds that are produced here.

Weekend trips from Barcelona around Spain

From Barcelona we are connected to Spain by plane and high-speed train. You can easily do one/two/three night trips from Barcelona to anywhere in the country, especially areas covered by the TGV train network, like Madrid, Andalucia, and really anywhere you want to go.

La Tomatina

The famous tomato fight that takes place at the end of August in Valencia. Think 10s of 1000s of travellers, tonnes of tomatoes and a small village’s narrow streets. This friendly fight is a messy delight and amazing stress reliever, where for a couple of hours you’re able to let your inner problem child run wild and throw salad fruit (vegetables?) at friends, foes and complete strangers alike. This festival is one of a kind, and the Stoke Travel La Tomatina experience includes huge travellers’ parties with live bands, DJs, beachswims and pool sessions. You might be arriving to your study abroad course a little late to make this fight, in which case you should totally check out Valencia anyway. It’s Spain’s third largest city, the home of paella and some fantastic beaches, art and architecture.

San Sebastian 

A short skirt across the top of Spain, just below the Pyrenees, will land you in the Basque Country, of which San Sebastian is the gastronomic and tourism capital. Not only is San Sebastian a foodies paradise, with literally hundred of bars and restaurants serving up the finest quality pintxos, Basque tapas that go above and beyond the already fantastic Spanish food found in the rest of the country. San Sebastian’s Old Town is also one of Spain’s, and Europe’s, best places to party, with something going on every night of the week along it’s narrow, paved streets. There are also lots of waves here, making San Sebastian a place to learn, or practice, your surfing and thus earning the right to eat your weight in Basque food and drink Basque cider afterwards.

Weekend trips from Barcelona around Europe

From Barcelona you can visit any European city by taking advantage of the many budget airlines that fly in and out of the airport every day. Paris, Milan, London, Berlin, Prague, Stockholm, Amsterdam, Rome, Budapest, the Greek Islands, the Baltic states, the Balkans… the list goes on! Check out Google Flight’s handy destination map to see where you can get to. But if there’s one place you just have to go it’s…

Oktoberfest

This is the original, and biggest, beer fest. Seven million people will descend on Munich with the intention of drinking that many gallons of beer, eating half their weight in hearty German beer-drinking food, singing boozy songs with the oompah bands, and then for some reason riding roller coasters. This is the most fun festival in the world, an absolute Disneyland for adults, made all the more enjoyable by Stoke Travel and our Stoketoberfest campsites, where we keep the bar open for your pre-and-post parties, and entertain you with live bands, DJs, while providing spaces for you to get to know literally 1000s of other travellers from at home and around the world.

There are plenty more places to go and see as this list just tickles the tip of the iceberg. We’ll update and add to these lists regularly, so stay tuned for more Barcelona study abroad travelling advice.

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Fuck it’s hot. Across Europe summer temperatures have soared, driving the mercury to 40 in the northern countries and closer to 50 in the south. This heatwave has dominated summer news cycles, with the relentless heat affecting the elderly and unprepared. For young travellers the hot spell offers an opportunity to do little more than lounge on the beach, or drink cocktails by the pool – it’s hardly a disaster for those of us seeking good times and hedonism.

Except for when it comes to getting hot and heavy. This hot weather weighs heavy on our ability to make love, the heat making sex uncomfortable if not unbearable. But hot weather is a recurring feature of any successful summer, just as is getting down with loved ones or temporary objects of lust a summery measure of success.

But never fear, making love in a heatwave isn’t only possible, it can be downright pleasant. Just look at how many northern hemisphere friends are born between March and May, or August and September down under. Just because it’s fucking hot doesn’t mean that it can’t be a hot time to frolick. Follow our guide, we’ll show you how it’s done.

Embrace the sweaty embrace

Banging when it’s blistering is going to get you sweaty, it’s going to get your partner(s) sweaty. Even light foreplay, cuddling and the like, will have you perspiring like a cheese slice in a hot car. Now you can avoid all of this, because it’s too hot, or you can dive in with gusto. See, the whole act of love making is exchanging fluids (not downtown, unless your familiar enough with your fuckbuddy to get it done raincoat free), so what difference will a little sweat make? Slide all over each other, become at one with the body-wide lubrication, and when the sweat hits your eyes wipe that shit out because it’s going to sting! Sure, you’ll soak your bedding, and yeah, it’s a little bit gross, but which part of sex isn’t? Get it done, you slippery little suckas.

Keep your distance

Sweat ain’t your thing, and that’s ok you wimp. But just because a little moist mucking around isn’t on your agenda, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the god given/god restricted pleasures found in playing power-points. For the moisture repellent amongst us, consider making love in ways that restrict physical contact. Sit on opposite sides of the room and read erotic fiction to each other. Pull out the sex toys. Lay on opposite sides of the bed and finish yourselves off. Take “just the tip” to its rare, literal conclusion. Just don’t get too damn close if you don’t want to end up a soggy mess.

Engage in watersports

Not that type, you boundary pushing pissophile, although if that’s your thing we’re all for it (just not in our tents). What we’re talking about here is banging in the shower, making love in a lake or shagging at sea. Take the moist aspect of love making to the extreme and surround yourself with the wet stuff, but beware – contrary to common sense, being submerged in water can restrict lubrication, not enhance it, so be careful with your penetrations.

Rehydrate regularly

Have a drink. At the very least set a glass of water beside your bed, and at best rest a gin tonic on the rump of your partner in pumping. Suck on a penis, popsicle or pussy. Hook yourselves up to an electrolyte replenishing IV. Do a beer-bong mid (practice) baby-making. Lick the sweat off each other’s skin. Do whatever it takes to get some fluids in your face – you don’t want to dehydrate mid getting down.

Make love on the top of hillside, howling at the moon

It’s so fresh up there. Feel the breeze on your skin. Let a howl loose. Scare your partner off. Go to sleep alone.

Stoke’s La Tomatina camp is sure to be hot, both in temperature and temperament. Come and get sultry on the Mediterranean and learn to lick tomato pulp off your lover. If summer sex ain’t your thing, Oktoberfest offers Autumn/Fall fun to amorous, beer affected travellers.

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Travelling somewhere new is an exhilarating experience, and although sometimes things we learn and things we know using common sense carry over to a new destination, it’s not always the case. It definitely helps knowing where you’re going and making sure you don’t do something that either gets you living in the streets with all your possessions stolen or mauled by an angry mob of locals. OK… so the chance of that happening to you in Barcelona is close to nil, but it would make for a helluva story, right? Either way, check out these things you definitely SHOULDN’T do in Barcelona.

Don’t get into politics

Now, this is what I would put under the ‘common sense’ tab –  you don’t come to another country and tell the people that they’re right or wrong in whatever politics they adhere to (It’s hard not to with Trump supporters, we know) but the Spaniards (and in particular the Catalans) are very passionate with their politics. When you land at the airport and the first impression you get is a couple of people yelling at each other over the independence movement of Catalonia, you know that shit is real. That doesn’t mean you can’t ask for their opinion, just make sure you’re respectful about it. Spaniards like to yell, even when they’re just talking calmly – make sure you don’t give them a reason to yell at YOU.

Don’t rush people at just about any place

If you come to Barcelona (or anywhere else in Spain for that matter) you’re eventually gonna have to get used to what’s known as ‘spanish time’. This roughly translates into just being annoyingly lazy and slow at times. Believe it or not, this is not an insult. The Spaniards, for the most part, refer to themselves this way. This means that sitting down at a cafe or restaurant and expecting to be served in under half an hour is a bit of a stretch. General rule of thumb is you should at least be prepared to spend one hour in most places (international joints tend to be more punctual) and complaining will likely make things worse.

Don’t drink at the chiringuitos (beach bars)   

It might be unbearably tempting to buy that hot babe sitting by herself at a beach bar a drink, but when you get your 15€ bill for just one cocktail, you will more than likely end up regretting it. It’s commonly known that, in just about any city, you will get charged more when drinking at a beach bar and Barcelona is no exception. We also don’t recommend buying pre-made drinks from street vendors (except perhaps unopened beers). The mojito might look enticing enough under the scorching Barcelona sun, but you never really know what they put into those drinks. Now, that doesn’t mean that there’s no way to get a decent drink a the beach at a reasonable price. Some places while not directly on the sand, are close enough and they offer you some deals like a bucket of beers, or cocktails with happy hour prices –  you just need to walk a few meters more from the sand to the bar. There are also alternatives like our boat rides with deals on beer and sangria. Same thing goes for restaurants – walking a little away from the tourist traps can get you to a really nice place at almost half the price.

Don’t book a Hotel

This is more of a preference than a ‘don’t’. But if you’re looking for a way to experience Barcelona without breaking the bank, a hostel or Airbnb will do just fine. Airbnbs provide more privacy than hostels, but at a higher price. It’s worth noting though, that Airbnbs are illegal in Barcelona and there’s a hefty fine for the owner if he or she gets caught renting one and you might find yourself out in the streets if this happens. Hostels will give you the best bang for your buck and there’s a lot of options to choose from, from quiet artsy ones to youth and party hostels. Speaking of Hostels..

Don’t leave your things lying around in your room! (or anywhere else for that matter)

You might think ‘hey.. these people seem quite nice and decent’ and the next day your backpack is gone and you stop being much of a backpacker and become more of a hobo. Almost every hostel includes some sort of locker in the room. Use it, and buy a lock if you don’t have one – better to pay €5 for a lock now, than have to beg for €5 on the streets the next day. You’re gonna hear a lot about how high the pickpocket rate is in Barcelona, but it really isn’t that different from other top tourist destinations. A little common sense can go a long way, like if you go into a crowded bus or metro, keep your backpack in front of you and your hands on your phone and wallet.

Now that you know what not to do in Barcelona, check out what you CAN (and should) do while you’re here. There’s lots of cool things to see and do and we at Stoke Travel want you to have a great time.

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Hangovers are a part of life! They are the universe’s way of punishing you for having too much fun, and you can and will have hangovers from excessive anything! Too much sex? Rooting hangover. Too many smiles? Sore face hangover.

But the main hangover we deal with is the too much booze hangover. The hangover hangover. The hangover we deal with most often, especially when on holidays, double especially when on holidays with Stoke Travel.

Here are some other hangover cures, or minimisers, that we’ve tried and relied on over the years, because when you make the most of our open and unlimited beer and sangria bar at all venues, you’re going to need something to fix ya.

1. Do some exercise
   Get up, jump out of your tent, stretch. Stretch it right out. Jog, or briskly walk away from your tent and towards the bar. Grab a beer. Lift it to your mouth and flex while you chug it. Repeat.
2. Eat some food
   Hangovers are created and cured from the inside. Food will fix you up good. Head over to Stoke Travel’s Kitchen Party and see what they’ve got for breakfast – it’ll be hot and hearty. Eat it. You may find that it’s a little bit dry. Wash it down with a beer.
3. Take some pills
   Your head is throbbing and your stomach is churning. You may need something from the pharmacy for that. Do you have anything on you? Take it. If not ask around, American travellers in particular are usually pretty loaded up with pharmaceuticals. Make sure you swallow your pills with large mouthfuls of beer.
4. Drink lots of water
   You might be dehydrated because of all those hours you were sleeping and not drinking. You will need to replenish and rehydrate. Make sure you start your day by filling up on fluids, and the best fluids to fill up on are from the beer family.
5. Take a shower
   You stink of booze, sex and goodtimes. You need to wash yourself, wash away your stank and your sins. Wash yourself in a shower. A shower of beer. Do a straight arm and pour the beer all over yourself, including in your mouth. Then have another beer.
6. Take a nap
   You just woke up, but so what, you’re on holidays so you can nap if you want to. Find somewhere nice and comfortable in the sun. Sit down. Open your beer. Have a sip. Lay down. Have another sip. Nap. Wake up and finish your beer.

If you follow these steps then we can guarantee that you won’t have a hangover anymore. Heck, you’ll be at least six beers deep so you’ll be drunk again. What a result! Now go and throw some tomatoes, or drink German beer by the litre and repeat this process tomorrow and every day until you have to go back to work, at which point repeat the process minus number six.

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If you’ve been playing along at home, you’ll know that we’ve spent a bit of time hanging out with the one and only Honey Hayze. They’ve been playing sweet tunes and partying in the most beautiful places in Europe with us for a few weeks now and we like to think we know them pretty well. One thing we do know about this funky Sydney five-piece is that their bass player Shrek is a huge fan of cheese – and he knows his shit. We caught up with Shrek to get the inside scoop on all things cheese:  what’s good, what’s bad, what matters and what doesn’t. Prepare to get hungry.

Stoke: What is your all time favourite cheese and why?

Shrek:  Pule. A rare Serbian cheese that is the bare minimum for the bands rider. Goes well with a 2015 Shiraz.

Stoke: Does cost really matter? If you’re a broke traveller for example, can you still enjoy the finer things in life, aka good cheese?

Shrek: If you’re broke from cheese then you’ve already enjoyed the finer things in life. Cheese is like olive oil, you can buy sixth pressed, $1.50 spray that is shit, or you can get first pressed olive oil and enjoy life. Again, third pressed is the bare minimum for the rider.

Stoke: Parmesan cheese – shaved or grated and why?

Shrek: Shaved and grated both serve an important purpose in enhancing and creating a complexity of flavour for the chosen meal. Grated cheese has a greater fusion rate hence works well with warm meals like a spaghetti bolognese. Shaved cheese provides body and character to it’s selected meal. I personally prefer shaved cheese in a salad, e.g caesar salad. Once again, selecting the appropriate cheese is of major importance.

Stoke: Blue cheese? Yes or no?

Shrek: Like an olive, blue cheese is an acquired taste. If your senses are struggling to eat it then go out to your clothes line, grab a peg, put it on your nose and try again.

Stoke: What is the number one thing you must have on a cheese platter to compliment the cheese?

Shrek: When it comes to a platter, you throw the term ‘less is more’ out the door. More is definitely more. The foundation starts with seeded crackers or freshly baked sourdough bread. A variety of cured meats e.g prosciutto, capicola, salami and mortadella. Fresh fruit provides a sweet contrast when combining flavour e.g strawberry, fig, pear and mango.

Stoke: What are your thoughts on a good old block of tasty cheese?

Shrek: Tasty cheese is the biggest poser of the cheese family. Just because it says tasty, it doesn’t mean it’s natural or tasty. Yes, in very rare circumstances you may come across a decent tasty cheese, but most tasty cheese is full of bovine growth hormone that’s detrimental to your health. Recently I was tricked into having tasty cheese on tour and I knew straight away it wasn’t fit for human consumption. Even the microwave cheese lovers would have trouble melting down this bad boy. Death to tasty cheese!

Stoke: What are some cheese related highlights of your time in Europe?

Shrek: Playing shows in San Sebastian, I had many cheese and tapas highlights. With the town comes great experimental pintxos bars. My favourite bar was Atari Gastroteka. My personal favourite was the carrillera with melted blue cheese sauce.

Stoke: Cheese horror stories?

Shrek: Unfortunately I do have a horror story. I was spiked with non-human tasty cheese. Luckily my taste buds identified them early and I avoided death. However there’s a use for everything and during a wet period, ants were trying to infiltrate my teepee, so I barricaded the entrance with this cheese and they ran away in fear. It was a great deterrent.

Stoke: If you could collaborate with any celebrity chef, who would it be?

Shrek: It would be Jake Serex, the man in charge of Stoke Eats and the brains behind the world’s most delicious pies, Kontuz Manos. We would work together to create the perfect cheese pie.

Shrek is currently in England, but we are very much looking forward to having him back with us to guide us on the cheese journey of our dreams. Not only is he a cheese connoisseur, he also knows a thing or two about tunes (get you a man who can do both). His band Honey Hayze have just released a brand new single by the name of Gypsy Lady and it’s on it’s way to Triple J, Spotify, and all good ear outlets as we speak. They will be launching it at the Stoke campsite party, at the world’s biggest tomato fight, La Tomatina. Come and throw some tomatoes, eat some fine cheese and party like a maniac with us in Valencia!

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Your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Barcelona’s elite. You’re probably wondering why I have been so quiet lately, and you’re forgiven for doing so. The truth is, up until recently, things have been pretty quiet on the gossip front. Shocking, I know, but the good news is I’m back and inundated with tips on the hot, juicy gossip you’ve all been searching for. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ll know that we’ve been up to no good at some of the best summer festivals in Europe such as San Vino and Running Of The Bulls. To say that the elite have been living their most scandalous lives would be an understatement…

Amongst a treasure trove of delicious gossipy goodness, we’ve handpicked the best (or the worst, depending on who you ask) of the bunch to tantalise your tastebuds and get your mouth watering for what’s to come in the upcoming months of updates from gossip bitch. Alright, let’s not waste anymore time, into the deep swimming pool of gossip we shall dive.

If you’ve ever been to a festival with Stoke, you’ll know what we mean when we say if you ain’t boozin’ you’re losin’. One unlucky festival goer learnt the hard way that sometimes, when you booze a little too hard, you definitely lose – you lose control of your bowels. After gearing up in his fresh whites ready to be covered head to toe in red wine in the mountains of Haro, he felt something running down his leg, and turns out it wasn’t sweat. According to our sources, He didn’t feel nothin’, not even a fart or a belly rumble – it was just wet all of a sudden, which sounds somewhat concerning if you ask us. Fear not frisky followers, after a quick outfit change and a little pep-talk, he was on his way up that mountain ready for the locals to sniff out this pant-shitting gringo and bathe him in wine like the dirty boy he is.

Now that your appetite for juicy gossip has been wet, get a load of this tasty treat. Upon returning to his tent ready for a comfortable and peaceful nights sleep, one poor fella found that a couple of horny devils had beat him to it. By the looks of things, they either had it out for him and wanted to destroy his mattress as revenge, or they simply couldn’t keep their hands off each other and this tent was unfortunately as far as they got. We hope it was the latter as we believe true love always finds a way. This was unfortunately the last hurrah for this air mattress, forcing it’s rightful owner to sleep on the ground for the duration of the festival. Ah well, you know what they say, better to have loved and lost (someone else’s mattress) than to never have (sneakily) loved at all…

While we’re on the topic of love, we will finish off this short but incredibly sweet gossip session with the dirt on on particularly spicy senorita, who managed to make her way into three different tents in one night. One would be correct in assuming she was unable to find exactly what she was looking for in her first two lovers (perhaps the amount of free beer and sangria consumed had something to do with this?) before seeking out a third. Thankfully for her, it was a case of third time lucky. I mean really, when there’s that many hotties in the same vicinity, who can blame her? Why not get them all out of the way in one night? This should also be seen as a word of warning that just because they may be hot, doesn’t mean they’re going to be any good when you get them back to the tent and the pressure is on. Choose wisely ladies, know what you’re getting yourself into.

Unfortunately that’s it for now my little gossip fiends, but never fear, I promise we won’t leave it so long between catch-ups next time. With Stoke Afloat Croatia, Ibiza Beach Camp, San Sebastian Surf House all in full swing and La Tomatina and Oktoberfest so close we can almost taste them, there will be no shortage of gossip to come. Keep your ears and eyes peeled amigos, we’re just getting started.

You know you love me, XOXO  –  Gossip Bitch.

If you like what you hear and you want more, come and join us at La Tomatina or, Oktoberfest, our biggest (by a mile) campsite where only the juiciest gossip is generated. Imagine these stories on steroids (or really fucked up on unlimited beer and sangria) and that’s what you’ll get. This is your chance to experience it all first hand, or better still, play your very own part in the infamous Stoke gossip mill. You know you want to!

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Like death and taxes, getting kicked out of bars, restaurants, pubs and clubs can be totally avoided. In Europe, where Stoke Travel lives and dances, getting asked to leave, or forcefully ejected from, establishments is a rarity, a situation reserved for only the most monstrous of partiers. This is in contradiction to Australia, and the USA, where overzealous security personnel will eject a reveller for having too much fun, as if that wasn’t the only wholesome reason for entering any place that serves alcohol.

Sometimes, however, no matter where we are we’re going to be watched by security, cut off from the bar, made to drink water, told to take it easy, asked to leave, or even forcefully removed from the place you want to be in, the place where all your friends are, the place you’re invested in having a good time in! And when those times come, we want you to be prepared for them.

Phase One: Avoid Attention

If they can’t see you, they can’t hassle you. It’s as simple as that. The problem is, security are actively looking for you. It’s not only their job, it’s their passion to exert some control over you, compensating for all the school years when people like you had more fun than them. They’ve got chips on their shoulders and a plastic badge and can of pepper spray to back it up.

So you’ve got to outsmart them, which isn’t hard because as a very general rule, security guards aren’t so smart. You have to be a master of barroom camouflage, blending into your environment so that you might safely slam vodka sodas without the fun police’s night-ruining stare stuffing up your chances of getting nicely festive. Here’s how:

• Wear inconspicuous clothes – tracksuit pants, grey sweater. Show very little of your body, nothing attractive, nothing noticeable. Wear a potato sack, actually. You want to be as straight up and down and beige as possible.
• Choose drinks that don’t draw attention. Forget the fancy cocktails and brown mixed drinks – they scream “i’m getting sloppy/emotional/both”. Go for something discrete, like vodka. Straight. In fact, why not enter the venue with a water bottle filled with straight vodka down your pants? Then sip it all night like the hydrating athlete you want them to think you are.
• Hang out with people who are wilder than you are. Find a group of the biggest, drunkest, loudest idiots and just sort of slot into the crowd, hide amongst the exuberance, and by being a part of such a maelstrom become invisible.

WILDCARD: during this phase you can try and curry favour with the security forces. This can be a wise tactic, as they may look at you compassionately because you asked them how they’re going, and whether they’ve had a busy night, with much trouble. But it’s dangerous, because now they know who you are, and  if the security can’t find anybody else to flex their muscle on, your now familiar face might be enough to see you evicted.

Phase Two: Dealing With Your Eviction Notice

Ok, so it’s unlikely you were able to avoid security all night, so at some point they’re going to approach you and try and stop you from having fun. How you behave at this stage is going to determine whether you spend the rest of the night dancing like a legend and making out with babes, or sitting alone outside the fun zone, considering getting a falafel wrap.

When the security guards approach you, they’re going to accuse you of being too intoxicated. Here are some of the questions or accusations they might throw at you, and some responses you should conisder.

• “How much have you had to drink?”
  There is no correct answer to this. Too few and you’re a filthy liar, but too many and you’re a confessed drunken maniac. We would suggest saying something cheeky like, Why, did you want to buy me one? It won’t work, but nothing would have.
• “Your eyes are pretty red. You must be smashed.”
  If you’ve spent too much time surfing, your eyes will be red, and apparently that’s ground to be evicted due to intoxication. A potential response to this is, I’ve barely had anything to drink, sir, it’s just that my roommate farts on my pillow every night. Be careful, I think pinkeye is contagious.
• “How about you take a break from the drinks for a while? Maybe have a water.”
  When a security guard mentions this they’re compromising their boss’s entire business model, which is for people to buy alcoholic drinks. You should suggest this, ask to see a manager, demand to see the big boss, and when they agree that you should drink water, refuse on the grounds that That’s where fish have sex.
• “It’s time for you to go.”
  There’s nothing you can do now. Say, Sure. I understand your position, and you can’t possibly have intoxicated people in your venue. But if I may say one thing before I leave, it’s that out of everybody here I’d have to be the most… at which point you leg it for the crowd, frantically rip your shirt off, start making out with somebody in a corner, generally hide.

Final Phase: Getting Evicted

This is where you have the chance to retain a final shred of your dignity. Once you have no other option to remain inside the venue having fun, you should take the high road, and when it comes time to be escorted out of the pub/club/bar you should thank your captors for their professionalism, say goodbye to your friends, and then promptly flop on the floor and play dead. There is nothing quite as difficult to carry as a completely lifeless body, so if they want you out of there, they’re going to have to work for it. Fuck ‘em! It’s their loss to not have you in there, you were about to bring up the value of the place with your fire dance moves.

The hardest place in the world to get kicked out of has to be a Stoke Travel camp. Our open bar is legendary, and if you’re not annoying anybody else – or being a danger to yourself – you’re free to continue having a good time. Why don’t you check us out in Valencia, for La Tomatina, or in Munich for Oktoberfest, where we’ll be partying with more than 7000 new best friends!

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Have you ever been in that super awkward situation where you’ve met a guy in your hostel, he asks you to go for a drink somewhere and you oblige despite knowing exactly how he wants it to end? You go for the drink, but you’re really not feeling it. Obviously, as any well educated and intelligent person knows, all you have to do is simply cock-block yourself. Soon after, he’s the one left feeling incredibly dumb and wondering what on earth was going through his mind when he thought he wanted to have sex with you.

If you’re wondering how this can be done, it’s really quite simple. There are many ways you can successfully cock-block yourself. Hell, you can even get a lil’ creative if you want. We’ve tried and tested many methods in this fine art, and although we wouldn’t consider ourselves to be experts just yet, we reckon we’re pretty bloody good. Here’s a list of our top five ways to successfully cock-block yourself:

1. Yawn heaps

This simple yet effective move shows that you are absolutely, completely 100% disinterested in what he has to say and in turn, his company. This is going to put him off because he will naturally assume that everything he is saying is useless and uninteresting, and he’s probably right. If you really want to amp it up, in conjunction with your excessive yawning, verbally express how exhausted you are and he will correctly assume you’re way too tired to participate in any kind of physical activity.

2. Talk about your ex a lot

This move not only scares him off but it also makes him fully aware that you’ve got emotional baggage, which is less than ideal. It works better if you talk about the happy times you shared rather than the sad. Doing this might lead him to assume there’s a chance you two might rekindle things in the near future, the ultimate cock-block. Another important thing to note when talking about your ex is that this poor guy is now almost definitely imagining the two of you getting freaky. This has the potential to totally turn him off, or it could backfire and make him want you even more. Usually it turns him off but it’s always good to be prepared for either outcome.

3. Call him ‘mate’ a lot

By calling him mate frequently during conversation, you’re really getting the point across that he’s exactly that, a mate. It’s highly likely that his ego will be quite bruised and he will probably never try to make a move on you ever again. Men don’t often like to be called mate by women they are trying to make out with, especially not multiple times in one sitting. There is something about a woman calling him mate that instantly makes a man’s penis dramatically decrease in size, and despite many tests being run on why this happens, there is no scientific evidence to explain it. Whatever the reason is, it’s a good, simple way to cock-block yourself while getting some sick enjoyment out of watching him squirm with every ‘mate’ you drop.

4. Spend the whole time on your phone

In this day and age, we’re always on our phones. The rectangular bastards rule the roost and it seems to have become the norm to always have them present, replying to every little buzz and beep the demanding little thing makes. Take this to the next level by aimlessly scrolling through instagram, barely replying to anything he says with the exception of the occasional and obviously uninterested Ohhh yeahhh and to really amp it up, watch facebook videos out loud. This will not only make you look like you’re super popular and untouchable but he will probably get pretty sick of the one-sided conversation and wrap things up early.

5. Turn up covered in tomatoes

You’ve just returned from a trip with party masters Stoke Travel, to the world’s biggest tomato fight, La Tomatina. You’ve had the time of your life smashing thousands of strangers in the face with acidic red fruit, and getting smashed in return. There is not one part of your body that has escaped the messy wrath of the tomato fight and you’re starting to wonder if you might ever be clean again. The key here is to embrace it! Go on the date in all your tomato glory, don’t wash your hair, relish (haha, get it, relish) in the aftermath of having gone swimming in the worlds biggest bolognese. When you arrive, he will look at you funny and you’ll play it cool, leaving him confused and probably disgusted (in himself for not coming) and the date will be inevitably cut short so that you can go home and shower.

The age old art of cock-blocking has been practiced for female enjoyment for a number of years now and there are many, many ways it can be done. Although we have only touched on a mere five, (the fifth is the best and most effective by far) you can always get creative with your methods. Get yourself along to La Tomatina for the world’s biggest food fight, get saucy, get drunk and work on your cock-blocking skills in the biggest, most fun, all inclusive campsite in Valencia. See ya there!

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So you’re just a wayward sportsfan kicking around Europe for the summer. You’ve already got plenty of plans that involve various types of booze and occasions in which to consume it, including Stoke’s Oktoberfest, the crown jewel of boozy events. The problem is twofold: you have some spare time before the Bavarian behemoth of beer festivals, and by then your body will be screaming out for respite from the good times. Cue the Davis Cup group playoffs in Austria— a way to solve both dilemmas in one swift forehand strike.

Some quick facts before we get into our breakdown comparison of the teams at hand: the Davis Cup is kind of like the World Cup of men’s tennis, only with considerably fewer bribes and considerably more grunting. Teams compete individually and in doubles to win the cup for their home country. The U.S. has the most overall victories, surprising nobody, but are followed closely for most overall wins by Australia, who kind of wish the prestige was for a less nancy-sport. And finally the funnest fact of them all: for the first time, Stoke Travel is joining We The People at the 2108 Davis Cup. That’s right, you’ve finally found a rowdy enough crowd to make spectator tennis fun!

So, to the match-up at hand.  Don’t worry that you didn’t realize Austria and Australia were bitter rivals (ever since the first instances of abbreviating country names on scoreboards) because here’s Stoke Travel’s comparison of the two competitors in several categories with varying levels of relevance to tennis.

1. Tennis prowess: Australia
Australia and Austria have very different histories with tennis. Australia holds the second-most Davis Cup wins in history, including a streak of 15 wins in 18 years between 1950-1967. Austria, on the other had, has zero wins in the history of the Davis Cup. To those less savvy on sports talk, this translates to a pretty piss poor performance by the Austrians, who’ve had 81 chances so far and have failed to ever do better than that one time in 1990 when they made the semifinals.

2. Home court advantage: Austria
You’ll be watching the “rubbers” (incredibly silly way to say matches) in Austria, which is historically the home of Austrians and the Austrian tennis team. Austria therefore gets the point for this category because the Australians might get a bit frazzled after being confronted with so many people speaking German. Maybe they didn’t get what they wanted to order for lunch, maybe it’s just an air of tension created by the aggressive sounding language, but either way you can bet that the Aussies won’t have thought to add German language to their training regimen. The advantage is minimized, however, because the matches will be played on a clay court rather than grass, and the Australians are well used to dirt and clay while having likely never encountered grass before.

3. Fans: Austria
Austria has never won or even made it to the finals of the Davis Cup, but the Austrian team will likely have more fans in attendance than Australia because of basic geography. Also, Australians are likely focused on more niche sports like Australian Football and Not Being Killed by Poisonous Animals. Australia does have a large contingent of travelers and expats, however, which could even the odds in this category if mobilized in support of their racquet-wielding countrymen.

4. Number of letters in name: Australia
Perhaps the closest match-up of this contest, but Australia has the advantage here, with two letters more in the overall category and one unique letter more.

5. Number of famous people: Austria
In the category of famous legacies, Austria and Australia are relatively evenly matched, the former with just a few, and the latter claiming not very many. Off the top of our heads, we’ve got Arnold Schwarzenegger and Steve Irwin. Maybe Mozart, he was Austrian, right? Sigmund Freud was also Austrian. Okay this one goes to Austria, unless you count Adolph whatshisname, in which case you’d default the victory Down Under.

Overall Pick: Australia
While Austria does have some things going for it, those things are generally unrelated to tennis. We like Australia to win, but you’re welcome to root for Austria if you like the inclusivity of cheering on the home team.

Add the Davis Cup onto your Oktoberfest package so no matter who wins, you can celebrate/commiserate with us at the world’s largest beer festival!

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