The one-night stand is an important addition to anybody’s sexing arsenal. What’s life if you can’t seek out no-strings-attached pleasure with gorgeous strangers every now and then? One-night stands are important tools for both getting your rocks off and your confidence up, and if done right and for the right reasons are nothing but positive. Having a one-night stand shouldn’t be looked down upon; you’re not a deviate if you have a fondness for the pash-and-dash, slap-tap-and-gap, bum-and-run, slam-and-jam, screw-and-flew, root-and-boot.
But the one-night stand still gets a bad rap, which is unbelievable given how useful it can be, and due to the taboos surrounding extremely short-term lovers, most of us seem to be unable, or unwilling to seamlessly execute a four-hour fling. Fleeting love is fraught with all sorts of emotional and social dangers, amorous boob-filled boobytraps that the unsuspecting sexy adventurer might stumble into, and so we’ve created this little handbook to handjobs and beyond that you might ferret away in your hot little love pocket, along with the dusty condoms and mobile phone burning up with your top-tier Tinder subscription.
Go With Your Heart
The first thing about successfully pulling off a one-night stand is coming to the conclusion that that’s what you want. Not everybody should want a one-night stand. People in non-open relationships shouldn’t want a one-night stand, and… and that’s about it. Everybody else should be open to the prospect and getting down and dirty for getting down and dirty’s sake. Here’s why: the fact that you’re alive and a one-night stand is even an option is the result of you winning the one-in-400-quadrillion lottery of existence. That’s the chance of your parents even meeting and then the egg that made you getting down with that one special sperm. A 1-in-400,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 chance. Life is a gift, and it’s sole purpose apart from procreation is the pursuit of pleasure. Secondly, given that life is such a precious gift to be filled with pleasure, it’s also insanely short, and what’s even shorter is your time as a sexually active single person. Say you’re alive for 80 years and willingly single for a few years in your 20s, that doesn’t give you much time to be picky about the terms of getting your rocks off. Life’s short and we’re exceptionally fortunate to be a part of it. Enjoy yourself while you can, have a one-night stand.
Lower Your Standards
OK so we can all agree that we want one-night stands, the next thing you’ve got to do is find somebody to do it with. A one-night stand alone doesn’t count and should just be called a Tuesday. The problem with finding impermanent playmates is that we’re sooooo caught up in our own expectations about what an ideal, or even acceptable, partner should be that we skim over and skip past so many potentially pleasurable pound-pals in our quest to find someone who may, or may not, exist. Stop that! Sure, you can have standards for who you marry, but a one-night stand is about pleasure and confidence building. Doesn’t matter if the person you are chatting up is successful, rich, or whatever. Are you attracted to them? Do they have any physical features that fire up your loins? But, most importantly, do you feel comfortable around them? Fuck yeah? Then maybe you should get it on.
Lose The Inhibitions
Unfortunately, on our waltz through this moral minefield called life we inadvertently pick up all kinds of pointless hangups about things that don’t really matter. This can result in us becoming prudes for no reason at all, carrying around all these antiquated and restrictive rules that didn’t actually come from us and don’t do anything to make us any happier. It’s time to shake them. Get rid of them. Dump them like last season’s Louboutins, which means put them in the cupboard and take them out from time to time to see if they suit you again. There’s nothing wrong, by any objective measure, of having a one-night stand. Anybody, any creed, any ancient text, any belief system, anything that tells you otherwise is wrong. If there is a higher power upstairs they are not going to punish you for practicing the procreation you were put on this planet for. I’d like to imagine a god that’d slap you some high fives for having a good time with this fleeting and otherwise fruitless thing called life. People have been having one-night stands since people became a thing, having moral objections to strings-free sex has been around for but a blip in our existence. Get rid of your inhibitions, by any means possible, be that with introspective soul searching, or tequila shots.
Know What You Want
So you’ve lowered your standards and cleared the moral barriers enough to find an object of your fleeting affections. Now ‘s the time for you to pounce on the situation. We’re not here to tell you how to charm and flirt, because we’re hopeless at it ourselves, but we’ve heard that being funny, respectful and attentive can further your quest to get underneath a stranger’s quilt. Being pushy, creepy or presumptuous won’t help you at all, so if that’s how you flirt perhaps try another tactic, you fucking pest. And knowing what you want continues once you’ve secured a love for the night. This is all about enjoying yourself and throwing all caution to the wind. Want them to call you daddy? Smack that? Pee on you? All you have to do is ask, because chances are you’ll never see them again.
Enjoy Your Walk Of Triumph
The real walk of shame is at 4am, alone. Walking away from a one-night stand is a triumph, not a shame. Did you enjoy yourself? Triumph! Did you at least learn something? Less satisfying triumph. Carry your shoes in your hand and leave your shirt untucked. Breathe your tequila breath in the shopkeeper’s face while you buy a Gatorade and give them a cheeky wink when you pay. Bounce down the street with a spring in your step, enjoy the feel of the sun on your face and spark up conversations with strangers. Feel that euphoria? That’s what comes with being a corporeal conqueror, a baron of banging, the mistress of mischief and the proud owner of another notch in the bang belt. One-night stands give you confidence as well as pleasure. A few hours of sitting on somebody’s face can do more for you than a few months with a therapist. You’re the goddamn king and/or queen and/or gender-non-specific regent of the world, and as such you’ve earned your swagger. Now go and brag about your night, or keep your sordid secrets all to yourself. Congratulations, you filthy little screwer, you.
Do It All Hogmanay Style
Is there a better time and place to have a one-night stand than in Edinburgh for their Hogmanay New Year’s Eve party? And we don’t necessarily mean a sexy one-nighter, but Stoke is taking a one-night stand approach to the party. We’ll go up during the day, party all night and leave the following morning without so much as exchanging numbers with Edinburgh. We want to cut through all the bullshit around NYE up there and just get the maximum bang for our buck. 24 hours of kilt-liftin’, scotch swillin’, Scots smoochin’, auld lang synin’ good times. You want to join us on our private train (yeah, a whole train)? Then you’d bets to gets bookin’, and for more unwanted Stoke Travel sex advice take a look at our guide to how you get your rocks off can determine your next holiday.
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