BREAKING: Netherlands Claims Amsterdam “More Than Hookers and Weed”

Dutch officials and the City of Amsterdam have released a news bulletin claiming that there is more to the capital city than brothels and coffee shops.

“The Netherlands, and Amsterdam especially, have a rich history and culture,” said Liam Van Der Kaamp, a spokesperson for the City of Amsterdam.  “It’s time people understood that we are more than just potheads and prostitutes.”

Shocked by the assertion, Stoke News sent investigative reporter Judas Weiner to test the truth of this weighty claim.  Stoke sat down with Weiner to discuss his findings.

“I’ve been to Amsterdam many times,” Weiner told us.  “That’s why I was so surprised to hear the statement [The City of Amsterdam] released.  I knew from experience that coffee shops were full of people smoking weed, and the red light district is always packed, so how could it be that Dutch people don’t live their lives around these twin facets of hedonistic culture?”

“It seemed the best place for me to start was where I always start when I visit Amsterdam:  the first coffee shop I found. Just as expected, it was filled with pot smokers. Everybody in the establishment loved getting high as a kite, and right away I started doubting the claims in the press release.”

When he started to dig deeper, though, Weiner made an interesting discovery.

“The more I asked around, the more I realized, not a single person in the place was actually Dutch,” said Weiner.  “In retrospect, I should have known, because nobody was eating cheese.”

After that, Weiner decided to hit the streets to see what else lurked beneath the surface.

A trip to the red light district seemed to yield the same results.  “A lot of people, a lot of prostitutes, but again, seemingly no Dutchies.  And it wasn’t even that they were hiding in plain clothes, which I would understand because, for the girls at least, it might be hard to work in wooden clogs.”

At this point, Weiner told Stoke that he was really starting to get rattled.  “It was clear at this point that the press department at the City of Amsterdam was telling the truth,” he said,  “but this raised an even more startling question: where were all the Dutch people? Is The Netherlands just a giant conspiracy?”

It was obvious to Weiner that he needed some expert help to get to the bottom of this caper.

“I visited the tourism office, and demanded some answers.  ‘Where are all the Dutch people?’ I asked to blank looks.”

After checking the ID of the woman at the info desk, Weiner was relieved to see that at least one Dutch person existed in The Netherlands’ capital.  “She was still playing coy though, pretending to be confused by the question,” said Weiner. The enigmatic gatekeeper of Amsterdam’s secret eventually relented, giving our intrepid investigator a highlighted treasure map.

“And wouldn’t you know it, with enough convincing, she showed me the path to the El Dorado I sought.  It turns out, there’s an entire city full of businesses, restaurants, and flats lurking just beyond our comprehension. Amsterdam is indeed full of Dutch people who have nothing to do with the vices of the city center.”

Were you as surprised as we were? Come to King’s Day for some authentic Dutch debauchery and see what Amsterdam is really all about.

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Ibiza News Roundup: 2018 Opening Parties

March in Ibiza means one thing – announcements (It also means Spring Break Ibiza – Ed). This is the time of year when all of the clubs start to drip feed us their huge plans for the summer, and in this here little article we’ll give you the lowdown of all of this information.

Do you know Kygo? Do you love Kygo? Well guess what? This all conquering master of tropical house will be returning to Ibiza this year playing every Sunday at Ushuaia between 15 July and 2 September. Our lovely Ibiza Beach Camp would be a hive of activity every Sunday afternoon before all of the guests finished the last of the pre-drinks and headed into town to dance the night away. One of the biggest hits of Ibiza, don’t miss it.

Surprisingly enough, Ushuaia will host it’s opening party over two weekends with it’s underground party ANTS taking the helm on Saturday 19 and 26 of May. Acts announced already are Richie Hawtin, Adam Beyer and Maya Jane Coles.

For those who are into their darker beats, Marco Carola’s party Music On will return to Amnesia every Monday from 18 May. Not many details have been released but those who’ve been to the event before will know to expect uncompromising house and techno, with a whole swaggle of beautiful young things dancing in the DJ booth. Amnesia itself is hosting its opening party on Saturday 12 May featuring Luciano, Richy Ahmed, DJ EZ, Hannah Wants and many more.

Are you an animal? Because Martin Garrix wrote a song about you, and coincidentally, Ushuaia have announced his return to the open-air venue every Thursday from 5 July to 30 August. Expect non-stop bangers, lots of lights and the odd piano break down.

Hi Ibiza’s opening party will take place on Saturday 26 May and will coincide with the opening of Saturdays with Black Coffee. The opening night will feature &ME, Audiofly, Blond:ish and more alongside the man himself. No details however have been released about who he has invited to play with him for the rest of the summer.

One of our absolute favourite parties The Zoo Project will have its opening on Sunday 6 May and will run every Sunday through to 7 October. This is a big shift for The Zoo Project as it has historically taken place on Saturdays. Rest assured all of the same animal-themed party debauchery will continue to happen in the confines of the abandoned zoo in the middle of the island.

Solomun, one of the biggest names in house and a man renowned for his interpretive dance moves at afters brings his night back to Pacha every Sunday from 27 May to 14 October. In other big news for Pacha, Sven Vath’s iconic night Cocoon has jumped ship from Amnesia after 18 years and will take over Mondays at the refurbished super club.

That French guy David Guetta launches F*** Me I’m Famous at Pacha on Thursday 31 May and will play every Thursday until 4 October. If you like your drops big and your stage banter terrible, then get a load of this guy, he’s only been getting it done here for 16 years.

And that’s all the big news for 2018 so far. Book your flights for cheap now, and come stay with us at the Ibiza Beach Camp, the best place to enjoy your time on Ibiza this year.

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Stoke Travel News Desk, 14th March

Want more information on the big stories? Here are the links so you can get behind the news and be the smartest person in your whole tribe.

A young traveller realises that running with bulls is a really fucken bad idea

The revelation came pretty soon after the bull run began.

And a first time glamper overcomes luxurious odds and surprisingly has a pretty swell time roughing it with the heathens

She somehow put up with the full-length mirror, space to stand up completely, and freshly made beds.

A Rhode Island family is confused as to whether they’re son really took a pill in Ibiza, or was just quoting a popular song lyric

Father Bryan Wheeler hopes his son hasn’t been taking those disco biscuits.

A study abroad student has demonstrated that she is such an expert on Spain that she’s being considered for a position with the embassy

They were particularly impressed with the way she pronounced Bar-the-lona.

Stoke Travel has taken a huge gamble with an outdoor London sporting event

Rain might dampen the spirits, but sunshine will sizzle the pasty London-based antipodeans.

Springfest will offer young travellers a chance to act like homeless alcoholics

They can even pee their pants.

And finally a word on the dangers of smokebombing

Just don’t fucken do it.

Thanks for tuning in, we’ll be broadcasting again soon. Got any stories that you think we need to cover? Let us know!

 

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Dutch Man Plans On Messing His Hair Up For Kings Day

Amsterdam native, Chris Van Der Jagt, 24, plans on disturbing his perfect coif this King’s Day.

The hairstyle, painstakingly sculpted and maintained  by liberal application of hairspray, is predicted to be one of the biggest casualties of what will be the Dutchman’s wildest party of the year.

King’s Day, formerly Queen’s Day, is a 48-hour bender that takes place on the Dutch capital’s canals and in its streets, featuring bands and DJs, as well as pretty much every resident of the Netherlands going absolutely looney, as only the freaky deaky Dutch know how.

Van Der Jagt explains. “Normally I’m a regular, serious Dutchman, you know, pretty straightforward, hardworking, wooden shoes and a weird sense of humour, but when King’s Day comes around I let my hair down… or better to say that I leave my hair up, but allow it to get a little messy. It’s not that I’ll be leaving the house without perfect hair, oh to the contrary, in order to really pay my respects to the King of the Netherlands I’ll be paying extra special attention to my hair on the day – more time with the hairdryer, more time in front of the mirror, especially more hairspray. But it’s just that I expect that I’ll be dancing a lot in the party and for sure some hairs will break free from my perfect style.

“But that’s just what happens in the big parties. Just like I expect my chinos to become creased and my leather dress shoes to get a little stained, I also have to come to terms with the fact that my hair might be messed up.”

In order to let his fellow countrymen and women know this isn’t any regular party, Van Der Jagt has purchased a special bright orange polo shirt just for the occasion. “Orange is the official colour of the party, and some of the less well groomed Dutch people will paint their faces in orange and wear orange pants, and so on. But not me, for me I will maintain the style that I’m known for – dressing like my father.”

While all Dutch people will be celebrating King’s Day, not everybody has resigned to ruining their perfect hair. “If anybody touches my hair I’ll be so mad,” explained Rotterdam native, Robin Van Den Berg, “I will wish a life of bad cheese onto them. There’s only one thing that’s more important than having a good King’s Day, and that’s maintaining my wonderful hairstyle.”

Dutchmen messing their hair up? How can you miss that! Join us in Amsterdam for King’s Day, from the 26th to the 29th of April.

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Study Abroad Student Takes Well Deserved Spring Break

An American student studying in Barcelona has taken leave from her studying commitments in order to enjoy the island paradise of Ibiza.
Maddie Cochran, 21, felt that after half a semester of barely attending class and taking every opportunity to party and/or travel, she’d earned the time away from her tertiary education.

“It got to the point where I was counting down the days to Spring Break,” explains Cochran, “university had just become such a drag, except for weekends, because I’ve been to Florence, Paris and Madrid the past three weekends, and we only study half days on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, plus I have every Friday off, but apart from that such a drag!”
The international business student finds it especially taxing to have to take Spanish language classes once a week, despite the hour effort counting for a full university credit toward her barely related degree. “Oh I know, it’s so annoying! I was getting by fine with Yo no hablo español, but now they’re forcing me to become pretty much fluent. I guess it will help when I’m back in Florida and want to hit up taco Tuesday.

“But none of that will matter when I’m in Ibiza for Spring Break! I’m really going to make the most of my break away from Spanish class, mostly by chatting to hot Spanish boys and filling my Instagram with fire captures.”

Friends agree that the half semester abroad has been especially taxing on the recently single sorority sister. “Oh nobody goes as hard as Maddie,” explained classmate Jessica Rabstein, “she’s out at least three nights during the week, minimum! I know everybody says that studying abroad is easy, and the classes are mostly impossible to fail, but you trying doing a two-hour afternoon tutorial after getting home at 5am.”

Cochran agrees. “People who say that studying abroad is a breeze have no idea what it’s like to be hungover five days a week. It’s exhausting, and having to go to class really gets in the way of me being able to recover for the night ahead. I’m so glad that we have this break so I can go out to Ibiza and relax and party until the sun comes up every day and wake up in the afternoon with mimosas.”

But the Mediterranean island paradise won’t be all fun and games for Cochrane. “You know how hard it is to constantly have to convince my parents this is a cultural experience? The trip just can’t be spent in the club, I’ll have to explore the beaches too. It’s kind of like having to work.”

If you need a break from the rigors of student life, why not join Stoke Travel on the world’s number one party island. We’ll be out there from the 23rd to the 26th of March, and the 30th of March to the 2nd of April, where you’ll be able to relax by partying 20 hours a day.

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Four Tips for Convincing Your Parents Studying Abroad Wasn’t a Waste of Money

So your parents agreed to fork over the big bucks and send you overseas for the semester of a lifetime.  How sweet of them! In return, we think it’s only right that you should do your best to keep them in the dark about what a useless waste of tuition you are.  We’re not saying there’s a limit to your parents’ love, but it’s probably best not to test the theory.

It’s all about the spin

If you learn to phrase it right, you can pass pretty much anything off as a learning experience.  What’s that? You spend your weekends dripping sweat in the clubs until six in the morning? No, you’ve been taking dance lessons from the locals.  Stumbled home drunk? No, you were just marveling at the nighttime skyline. You didn’t skip a week of classes for that music festival, you took a field trip to experience local musicians.  The trick is knowing your audience, so you don’t accidentally say “I went to spring break in Ibiza” when you should have said “I spent my mid-semester holiday on the Balearic Islands.” Just be sure to hit up Wikipedia to prepare yourself for a follow-up question, because…

A little research goes a long way

So you’ve mastered the art of the spin.  You managed to tell the truth (more or less) without sending Mum into a panic, but she loves you and she’s going to want to hear more.  This is where it comes in handy to have a couple factoids in your back pocket. Just a quick google can mean the difference between “this awesome week-long party in San Sebastian” and “Semana Grande, or Aste Nagusia as the locals call it, is a celebration of Basque culture and tradition.”  The smarter you sound, the less likely the fam is to ask too many questions. Bonus points if you can find a museum or a UNESCO site nearby.

Watch what you post

Even with careful phrasing and a healthy dose of fun-facts, you can still blow your cover with a single misguided photo tag.  As much as you wish it weren’t true, nobody in this whole goddamn world follows your social media as carefully as family. Maybe it’s just because Grandma Ruth only has 13 friends on Facebook, but trust us when we say that she will see everything you post.  So put down your drink for 30 seconds before you snap one for the ‘Gram.  Better yet, consider keeping risqué photos (semi) private with a shared album. We know, we know, pics or it didn’t happen, but sometimes “didn’t happen” is the best strategy.

For fuck sake, pass your classes

Whatever shenanigans you get into, there’s nothing (ok, almost nothing) that’ll piss the parentals off like failing your classes.  From their perspective, this is the whole reason you’re there. We know better than to think you care about your courses, but there’s also no excuse to fail.  Study abroad schools don’t want to fail their students. Getting a reputation as a tough school is not good for study abroad business. That being said, schools will expect a bare minimum of effort from you, and won’t hesitate to drop your ass like an iPhone on the cobblestones if you don’t give it to them.  So don’t be that guy. Do the occasional bit of homework, and you can go home to proud, happy parents.

Here are some more trips you could conveniently fail to mention on your next Skype chat with the fam.

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Lo nuevo de CAIO TEIXEIRA. Magia encima de un longboard.

Siempre es un placer cuando Caio saca una nueva peli, su estilo es inconfundible, velocidad, potencia pero siempre desde un surfing muy clásico, sin duda uno de los personajes mas relevantes a nivel mundial en nuestro “pequeño-gran” mundo del longboard. Editor : Pedro Scansetti Filming : Mario Filmmaker Soundtrack : Edu Lobo – Upa Neguinho […]
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OCTAVIO MAZZA, de profesión fotógrafo y su Hobby el surfing.

Octavio, de origen Uruguayo y afincado en Galicia, es un buen amigo, que siempre nos alegramos de verle de festival en festival. Es fotógrafo profesional y compagina su oficio con su hobbie. Le podemos ver fotografiando tanto desde fuera como dentro el agua: Nos gusta mucho su trabajo y últimamente se ha lanzado a editar […]
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Best Instagram Locations: Ibiza

Spring Break Ibiza is right around the corner. You’ve put in hours of hard work trying to come up with the ultimate packing list –  New bikini? Check. Sunglasses? Check. Condoms? You really should. You’ve got all the gear that will make everyone back home cringe with jealousy while they scroll through your Instagram feed. Only problem is, you don’t know where the picture-worthy spots are around the island.

Don’t worry mates, we’re on your team. With Spring Break Ibiza coming up, we want to help you double your follower count and boost that Insta-fame feeling that we all wish we could achieve. We’ve put together a foolproof list of the best spots in Ibiza for Insta-lovers all over the world.

Es Vedra

Instagram Photo

Although you can’t actually get on the eerie, uninhabited limestone rock that protrudes from the beautiful blue waters surrounding Ibiza, the view from Cala d’ Hort is where you want to head. Aside from the Instagram-worthy footage to be captured, Es Vedra is also known for it’s unexplainable, hair-raising occurrences that include UFO sightings, strange lights and noises, underwater paranormal activity, and effects similar to the world famous Bermuda Triangle.This spook-tabulous place is also known to be the one of the largest magnetic spots in the world, in turn making it an ideal place for meditation and healing. So grab your camera and yoga mats and head down to Cala d’ Hort and get your namaste on.

Sa Trinxa

Instagram Photo

Grab your bikinis or your birthday suit (welcome to the best nude beach around) and head out onto the green pier that is located on Las Salinas beach. Sa Trinxa is the shack-like beach bar that is located right on the beach. All around you will have panty-dropping views of the beaches and waters, but for that photo that will gain you millions of likes (it’s been scientifically proven), head towards the green pier that rests in the water and strike up your best pose. Bonus points if you’re topless.

Pedrera de Cala d ‘Hort

Instagram Photo

Also known as Atlantis Beach. This one is not for the faint-hearted. This quarry of sandstone (basically a giant pit with the bluest water imaginable) is located near Sant Josep de Sa Talaia. Ideal for a birds eye view photo of you basking in the sun while floating in the water. This location is proven to make all your mates back home start to boil with jealousy.

Sa Talaia

Instagram Photo

Alright mates, this location is ideal if you want to fool your old folks back home that you’re staying fit instead of just chugging vodka until the sun starts to rise. In order to achieve the ultimate climax, this journey is about to take a little over an hour to complete. Don’t let that stop you. There are spots along your trek where you can take a break, wipe off the sweat, strike a pose, and continue the journey. Once you’ve climaxed, you’ll get a full view of the island in all it’s green and blue glory. The ideal spot for a photo of you after your greatest achievement, perfect for a “life begins at the end of your comfort zone” caption.

Cala Conta

Instagram Photo

Before you decide to get totally sloshed for the night, we recommend you stray away from sunset strip in San Antonio, and make your way over towards Cala Conta for one of the best sunsets that you may ever get to experience (and take photos of) in your life. Sunset Ashram, the restaurant that sits perfectly along the coast with panoramic views of the water, is what everyone is constantly raving about. If you plan on treating yourself to a fancy meal with fantastic views, good for you. For those who may have a dwindling budget, we recommend grabbing a bottle wine and heading to the beach to save some pennies. A photo of you and your mates dancing around with the sunset as your backdrop will definitely help you on your rise to Instafame. Side note: if you plan on splurging on a feast at Sunset Ashram, make sure to make reservations well in advance!

 

If you like long nights, beautiful women, and fucken great people then you should definitely make your way to Ibiza with us!

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The Ultimate Saint Patrick’s Day Plan

Saint Patrick’s Day is this weekend, and is there a better plan than celebrating the world’s most widely celebrated party day at its spiritual and geographical epicentre? We think not. That’s why this St Paddy’s we’re heading up to the Emerald Isle and celebrating the day the little green man chased away all the snakes (we think that’s what it’s about) right in the belly of all things Irish.

That’s right, we’ll be spending Saint Patrick’s Day in Ireland, and because we’re Stoke Travel we figured, why not make a weekend of it? So here’s how we’re going to do it:

  1. On Friday the 16th of March we’re going to meet up in Kilkenny, the party capital of Ireland and home and namesake of its other famous beer, where we’ll set up headquarters for the weekend (conveniently located between Dublin and Cork airports). That night we’ll do a bar crawl, put our green garb to the test, warm up with some Irish whisky for the next few days of mayhem, and maybe get some rest.
  2. Today’s the day. Saturday is when we wear green and have Guinness for breakfast, or at least Baileys with your coffee. Today’s St Pat’s Day and we’re making our way into Dublin city centre to watch the famous parade, party with the locals and then see the sights and visit the famous bars and pubs. We’ll finish the party back in Kilkenny because it makes for an easier stumble home when the Irish spirit is coursing through your veins.
  3. Sundays should be taken easily – Sundays with post-St Pat’s Irish whisky hangovers doubly so – and we’re going to wake up slow and take some time seeing the sights. That afternoon we’ll be doing a late lunch/early dinner with all the Irish favourites, as well as a Guinness and Irish spirits tour. If you want to, we can hit the town one more time, why not?

And that’s the plan. Three nights of living the hedonistic Irish dream, three nights and their days of getting into the St Paddy’s spirit and enjoying Ireland’s stereotypes. We know we’re not giving you much time to plan this trip, but we’ve already got everything covered, all you need to do is show up and join the crew for some good craic, whatever that means.

This is the world’s most widely celebrated party, and if you’re in the position to enjoy it right where it began, you’d be mad not to. We’ve got some spaces still available, so grab your finest green party shirts and get to booking.

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