With thousands of tickets already sold there’s a good chance you’ll meet just about anyone and everyone at this weekend’s London Big Day Out. There’ll be people you know, people you want to get to know, people you see on the Tube but have never said hi to, people you recognise from home who were old rivals, and people you’ll see again and again over the course of the summer.
But while the event attracts the gamut of humanity, there are some stereotypes that are repeated at events like this. You may, in fact be one of them, or at least demonstrate their traits at certain times of the day. You will definitely know somebody who fits at least one of these bills, and we’d wager the Russell Crowe Cup that when you come along to West London on Saturday you will easily find one of each of these London Big Day Out attendees.
The Sports Billy is taking the netball competition wayyyyyy too seriously. Harking back to her time as a Met North district representative trialist, the Sports Billy is using this one day of friendly competition to get years of pent up competitiveness and disappointment out of her system. The Sports Billy is identified by her wearing her tights both on the Tube to the grounds, during sports, on the dancefloor and at the after party. She has a bag full of quartered oranges, Gatorade bottles and no shortage of pep talks to give. She will be visibly upset at her teammates when they misfire a pass, and despite professing to be all about sportspersonship she heavily heckles and sledges the opposition. Once the competition is done, Sports Billy will put on some of those super fast Oakley sunglasses and take her competitive nature to the bar, challenging the Piss Tank to a drinking competition and finding success in that arena that she couldn’t on the court.
All hail the piss tank, who’s just coming along because the boys were going and in fact is still pretty fucked up from last night still. The piss tank, who stops off at the Off License on the way to the Tube in the morning and grabs everyone a can of Strongbow, even though he knows nobody will want one and he’ll have to drink them all himself. The Piss Tank will continue buying rounds, in the hope that eventually someone will want to have one with him, at which point he will already be fucking steaming. The Piss Tank will heckle from the sidelines, make himself comfortable with other groups of people who have no interest in listening to his garbage and go completely missing before the rugby final, only to reemerge before sunset in Dad’s Backyard, wearing a completely different set of clothes and with one eyebrow shaved, spinning the goon of fortune like his life depends on it.
The Snack Lord will be the first and last customer at the Australian and New Zealand treats stall. They’ll lose their mind over the array of biscuits on offer, chocolate bars, chips, lollies, cans of softdrink, all of it. The Snack Lord will keep on returning to the group with arms full of snacks, declaring how much they miss eating this type of diabetes precursor or that, giving everybody the impression that their childhood was borderline neglected if they ate as many of these snacks as they claim. The Snack Lord will consume about 6000 calories before the sun goes down and then wonder why they had such a hard time competing in the mixed tag rugby tournament.
Like the Piss Tank, Disco Puppy is also going from last night. Unlike the Piss Lord, Disco Puppy is miraculously not getting sloppier and sloppier, but seem to be sharpening up. The Disco Puppy is very chatty, bouncing from group to group and talking at bulk strangers, without ever taking their sunglasses off. There seems to be something wrong with Disco Puppy’s jaw, the way it’s swinging from one side of the oval to the other. Disco Puppy isn’t interested in sports, despite having more energy than everybody else here combined, and while they say Yolanda Be Cool isn’t exactly the type of music they like (they prefer Industrial Minimalist Freakbeat, thank you very much), they’re at the front of the crowd going absolutely ham from five minutes before the set starts until half an hour after it’s finished.
People Simply Looking For A Fucken Nice Way To Pass A Sunny Spring Saturday In London
The vast majority of punters. Whether it’s to catch up with friends, dust of the boots and have a bit of a run, restock the snack collection, enjoy the London sun, have more than your fair share of beverages, have a look at what Stoke Travel have going on over the summer, embarrass your friends on the dancefloor, or wedding, the Big Day Out is a damn fine way to have an enjoyable Saturday in London town. Come with a group, or come alone, and make the most of these sunny spring days. Just stay away from the piss tank after about 3pm – that dude is getting mighty pesty.
There are still some tickets remaining for the London Big Day Out, and we strongly reccomend you get yours now before they sell out. The weather is looking damn fine, but not as fine as the friendly sports, food, drink and music on offer…